Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.

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How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

More Lies and DeceitĀ 

I have already lost one of my children for reasons that I do not understand. Now, I feel like I am losing another. My ex and his wife tell my kids that I do not care, that I am not contributing enough money,’and that I am choosing a life that does not include them.

In reality, my ex is getting the child support ordered by the court. I am transporting them according to the agreement, and I see them as much as possible.

Sometimes I feel like it is a battle that is already lost. My ex has the money to put them in camps and go on vacations. He has them more and they tend to gravitate toward what he says.

I get blamed for the divorce. Yes, I will take credit for what I did, yet he seems to leave out what he was doing. My mental illness is said not to exist on one hand and then to be the cause of everything on the other. I am sure that is confusing.

Inevitably, it is leading to my kids not wanting to have anything to do with me. They have taken their father’s view that I am not good enough and do not do enough. Sometimes I think that the best that I can hope for is for them to look back and realize that I did what I could. I was not perfect, yet I did my best:

A Child Should Not Hace to Choose

Ten years. Well almost. That is how long it has been since separating from my ex. I was naive then. I thought that things were fair and that I would get my kids 50 percent if the time like most people.

Instead, it was the beginning of a nightmare. There have been three clear court issues since then. My ex used my mental illness and financial influence to obtain physical custody. I had a win in that I got joint legal custody.

Today, the kids are teenagers. Instead of just following an order, I am put down and my kids are told that I am a bad mother. That I am not doing as much as I should. I have even been told that high school graduations are not a place for me because I am not there enough. When I want to be there more, I am refused.

The kids are getting old enough to choose what they want according to my ex. My oldest has already chosen not to communicate. He believes that I am hurting his father. It must be tough to always hear negative talk about your parent.

I have determined that as long as my kids want me in their life that I will be there for them. Even when they no longer choose to come visit, I will attempt to see how they are doing. It is scary to know that one day they may not talk to me. That I will not be there for the big events or the holidays. That I will be shut out.

As a non-custodial parent it is hard in so many ways. To know that your children may not want to see you. To be able to be looked up and found that you do not have custody. People then assume that you must have done something wrong. Sometimes the other parent just has a better attorney. Sometimes, there is no way to “win” only a way to have a relationship that is far from ideal. 

My hope is that my kids will continue to communicate with me, yet there is no guarantee and I do not have the power to see into the future.

Parental Alienation

These words make me so angry. In the state that I live in, it is not even recognized. All I could do would be to go to court for contemp of what my ex is not following in the agreement. I have not seen one of my children since July. Even though he is a teenager, he is still not at an age where he can make his own choices. My ex lets him choose.

My ex’s new spouse degrades my kids for coming to see me. She tells them that I do not pay child support, that I am not a fit parent, that I do not do anything for them. Every time they go back to my ex’s house, they get an earful. No wonder one of them has stopped visiting!

I am not a person who has the means to hire lawyers all of the time. I wish that I could. I feel for others out there like me who are either kept from their children or constantly have to hear that someone thinks they are a bad parent and degrades their parent in front of them.

My kids do not deserve to be punished for seeing me. No parent deserves to be talked about negatively to their children. Parental alienation needs to end and it needs to be a crime in every state.

Is it Payback?

Just to recap. My daughter decided in late June that she wanted to stay with me this summer. A little over a week ago she decided that she missed her brothers and wanted to go back to her dad’s house. He felt that she should be taught a lesson and have to stay. I told him that it was in her best interest to be back there and that he had a legal obligation to allow her to come home.

Today, is supposed to start my visitation weekend. He was supposed to drop the kids off this evening. He informed me yesterday that he was working overtime and wanted to switch, with me picking the kids up today. I told him 2pm and that was working until about an hour ago when I was told that his mother had taken my daughter out of state for the day.

When my ex does not get what he wants he acts like a child and his parents always seem to back him up. My son knew last night that I was coming to get them a 2. I am sure that he could have sent a text to his mother. Funny how she has had all week to do this and picks today. 

I will just have to go over and get the kids later then I planned. I am just so over him constantly doing things to change what we have legally signed. I cannot afford an attorney for every time he violates an agreement. I wish that I could!! 

The Non-Custodial Parent

When the kids were little, I stayed home with them. Even when I was first diagnosed with a mental illness. The marriage deteriorated and the only place I had to go did not have space for the kids. I am not able to work and my ex’s parents are millionaires.

Fast forward many legal fights, struggles, and years later. I am lucky to see my kids every three weeks and some holidays. Easter is coming up. Holidays are so hard. The kids are not at the house enough to get them a ton of candy. I cannot afford to take them anywhere and I always question what to do. This year, I will not even see them on the Holiday. 

It is hard to write about this. I love my kids and call them every night. They are getting to the age where friends and technology are winning out. Yet they still say I love you and still hug me when they see me. 

I always feel like a bad parent, yet I did not choose to have a mental illness. At least this year I get to see them. Last year, I was fighting to them at all. 

So the question still is what to do for this holiday. Gift card? A little candy? What will they enjoy the most? 

To all of the other non-custodial parents, I hope that you have a good holiday. If you cannot see your children, hopefully you can still talk to them.