Kids Should Not Have to Choose

When parents get divorced, in most cases, joint custody is awarded. There are exceptions. Mental illness, addiction, distance, who has more money, etc. Then the other parent becomes non-custodial.

In some ways I have been lucky. I still get to see my kids on holidays and am able to go on school trips. The kids are old enough to ask now and I have had the fortune of being asked twice this year.

Sometimes it is horrible. I have to account for almost every minute that they are with me. All the other parent has to go is plan the trip and go. Because the kids have passports, they can go out of the country and I do not have a say.

The other thing that I hate about my custody arrangement is that the other parent and their new spouse speak negatively about me. I am a bad parent, I do not pay enough money, I do not care about them. That can really have an affect on a teenager. Sometimes the child feels like they need to choose a parent.

I am looking forward to when they are 18 and can make their own choices. Maybe, I will be able to see them more often. Also when they can drive. Maybe they will come to visit. All I do know is that I feel like a bad parent all the time, yet I do see them. I need to work on that. All non-custodial parents want to see their kids.


A Mentally Ill Parent

A parent with a mental illness is still a parent. If the person is in treatment and is stable, they should be able to see their children. Instead, we have a damaged court system that takes custody away and is some cases only allows for supervised visitation.

As a patient I have to often white knuckle it so I will not need to go inpatient. If I go inpatient, I need letters from doctors and a meeting with a separate psychologist just to see my kids again.

Thankfully, all of my kids will be 18 within the next 6 years. At that point it will matter what they think and how they feel about seeing me. There will not be a visitation schedule or a holiday schedule. I hope that the kids will still want me as part of their lives. That is to be seen.

The other aspect of being a non-custodial parent is that it is public record. Any parent can look up and see that big black dot and not want me around their children. No one ever did an assessment of my competence to take care of my kids. They just assumed that I would not be able too. I think my kids are the ones who have been hurt the most.

How Do They Know?!? **May Trigger**

You will feel better soon. You have to get through this to lesson the pain, anger, etc. This group/treatment should help. How about a new medication?

Really!! None of those things has worked. I still feel horrible. Yesterday I told a close friend that I do not feel right without an open wound on my body. That would feel better. It would be better than feeling like a failure everyday. I feel like I let so many people down when I could not even get through the first month of grad school.

Now, I am just lost. I am not sure where to go or what to do. Am I so messed up that I am not able to live a “normal” life. I have thought about that. What are some alternatives? I have thought about writing. I am not sure about that one. Then there is the addiction counselor. I know that an eating disorder and self harm are addictions. Maybe helping others get through their dark and challenging days. Right now, I am just not sure.

At least I am able to see the kids again. They keep me going. I do not want to leave them with just their father. I am not sure that would be good for any of them. Just a few more weeks until they will be able to spend the night again!!

Lately, I have felt pretty bad. Like I do not want to get out of bed or off the couch bad. I do not see the point of all this therapy and treatment if I still feel like crap. Then again maybe I need to go through this to get to the other side. Feeling better would be good.

School and work are on the back burner for now. My goals are to try to process some of the things that happened to me in order to decrease their impact. That looks so good on paper. In reality it feels like crap and does not seem to be getting better.

A Late Holiday

I had a meeting with my ex and I have the kids today. I am excited to see them, yet I feel weird after not seeing them for two months. I am not there to know their friends or even the little things that they are doing. I just found out today the my son wants to do a certain program in high school.

Being a non custodial parent is hard in that I always feel like the kids can be taken away at any time. They are amazing kids. I just do not feel like a good enough mother to them.

Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.

Week 3 Feels Like Week 12🙁

It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.

Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.

Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?

At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!

Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.

Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.

What a Week!!

Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.

The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone.  I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.

I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going  through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .

Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.

The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.

Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!

How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

Is This All to Much??

School, dance,the rec council, the kids, treatment, and self care. I am overwhelmed by it all. I do not have a day to get a break. This week my foot went numb and when I went to get up, I sprained it. My fibromyalgia and anxiety are so high that I barely make it to class, yet be able to focus on anything.

On top of all of that, my kids are being  taken out of the country for a week. I have been on the not eat anything and then binge cycle. Above all, I am exhausted. 

This afternoon, I took a break to watch movies and relax. It felt good to not worry for once. My schoolwork will still be there tomorrow. I needed the me time or I would not be any good with schoolwork this weekend and I have a test coming up.

Part of my treatment team had been out for the past two weeks and is back next week. I understand that I need to see my therapist every week, yet I am not so sure about my psychiatrist! It just is a long day! 

Hopefully, I will get some sleep tonight and get some work done tomorrow. The kids will be here tomorrow night, so I need to get some work finished before they get here!