Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.


Week 3 Feels Like Week 12🙁

It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.

Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.

Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?

At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!

Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.

Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.

What a Week!!

Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.

The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone.  I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.

I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going  through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .

Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.

The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.

Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!

How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

Is This All to Much??

School, dance,the rec council, the kids, treatment, and self care. I am overwhelmed by it all. I do not have a day to get a break. This week my foot went numb and when I went to get up, I sprained it. My fibromyalgia and anxiety are so high that I barely make it to class, yet be able to focus on anything.

On top of all of that, my kids are being  taken out of the country for a week. I have been on the not eat anything and then binge cycle. Above all, I am exhausted. 

This afternoon, I took a break to watch movies and relax. It felt good to not worry for once. My schoolwork will still be there tomorrow. I needed the me time or I would not be any good with schoolwork this weekend and I have a test coming up.

Part of my treatment team had been out for the past two weeks and is back next week. I understand that I need to see my therapist every week, yet I am not so sure about my psychiatrist! It just is a long day! 

Hopefully, I will get some sleep tonight and get some work done tomorrow. The kids will be here tomorrow night, so I need to get some work finished before they get here! 

The Kids are Getting Older

I have had a hard time lately dealing with the kids becoming older and more independent. Sure, I am happy that they have friends and activities to go to during the week and on the weekend. Watching them grow into their own with their own opinions and ideas is wonderful.

The thing that sucks is that they live an hour away. I cannot just go and see them play a game or do something at school. My oldest is a full-blown teen. He has not been to my home since early this summer. I miss him and I love him, yet his life is not where I live. I know that it is just a matter of time before my youngest two do not want to talk on the phone anymore. This could be folllowed by not wanting to visit.

The only thought that keeps me going is that they will get through these year and will hopefully want to have a relationship with me. I know that I want one with them. 

Daily Reporting

Lately, I have been struggling with my eating disorder. My doctor has become pretty strict with me. I have to call every other day with my weight and how I am doing. It is not easy for me to feel so exposed.

School starts next week. A course is already up. This class has an online text that I am not sure how to download. I guess that I will figure it out or get someone to help me that works at the school.

My ex is his typical self. The kids are supposed to come this weekend. I am not sure about my oldest. He still does not talk to me. I am hoping that one day that will change. At least my younger two still talk to me and want to visit. I have to focus on my relationship with them.

This is one of the last days that I will not have anything to do for a while. I am scared of having to be around so many people on campus. It is going to be important for me to find somewhere that I can by myself if I need to get away from the noise. It is also important that I feel that I am safe.

For the rest of the day, I am going to enjoy reading both for school and for myself. I am going to make sure that I take care of me. That will allow me to be present for all of the other things that will be coming up.

Slipping **May Trigger**

Each day seems to be a new horror with my ex. Now, he has decided that him and his new wife will be the ones that go to my children’s graduations. None of the kids are graduating this year. I am so tired of being harassed and put down. The kids hear that I do not contribute, yet I pay my child support every month. They are told that I am crazy and a bad mom.

I thought that it was bad when my oldest stopped talking to me and coming to visit. Now, my daughter who wanted to spend the summer with me is no longer speaking to me. It is just a lot to take in. I cannot control what they are being told about me. 

Because of all of this, I have turned to dysfunctional eating habits and over exercising. Yesterday, I felt like I was going to pass out. My doctor noticed and is giving me a chance to get back on track. If I do not then I will have to go inpatient. That will derail all of my plans.

At least he gave me stages. I do not have to do everything at once. By the time school starts, my head should be a little clearer.

Right now there is that fine line in front of me. I know the right path. The path that will keep me healthy. The problem is that the other side has such a strong pull. It is where I feel the most control. Right now, I am taking one part of the day at a time and trying to keep the goals set for me. My first check in is tomorrow. Hopefully, I will have good news.

A Little Better

Maybe the change in meds has finally helped a little or the visits with the new member of my treatment team. It could be a little of both.

I am taking one day at a time again. Sometimes that is all that I can do to keep moving forward. Reading and journaling have been vices for me over the past few days.

My kids are always going to be a part of my life. At this point, they are able to choose how much they want to be a part of mine. My oldest is moving farther and farther away. Hopefully, he will come around, yet I am not sure that it will be soon.

The start of a new school year is getting closer as well as the start of dance. Both bring unique benefits and challenges. School will be a chance to work toward a possible career. That is if I can handle it. Dance is always a question of whether or not my body will cooperate. Only time will tell for both.

Watching the Olympics has been great! Seeing all of the athletes in their events. I also know someone who is there right now and is posting pictures on Facebook! The area looks beautiful! 

Tonight and tomorrow are quiet. Maybe I will go and use the bike at the gym for a little bit tomorrow. Monday is going to bring the beginning of a new week and more discussions with my treatment team about where I am at and if I can be safe.