Am I Ready??

If asked even three months ago I would have said that I was nervous, yet apprehensive regarding graduate school. Today, I sit her pondering if it is going to even work out for me. 

One large issue seems to be my status as someone with a mental illness. Where the school is attempting to place me feels that it is a hinderance to getting tasks accomplished. I am still in shock that this could be happening.

I was accepted like everyone else and filled out the same forms as everyone else. To me, by accepting me they made a contract with me to assist in finding a field placement.

On one interview I was actually told that “I wear my mental illness as a badge.” Maybe that is somewhat true. I have been through a lot and have taken classes and learned techniques on how to assist others. I know I have a different perspective. I did not think that would prevent me from finding a field placement. 

I know that this is what I want to do. I know that I would be decent at the task and maybe help to change the paths of a couple of people along the way. I am looking at where I need to take this. I am not going to stop fighting to try and get a field placement. Having a mental illness should not be a reason to be turned away or treated differently.

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The Current Black Hole

I thought that the effects of my abuse were becoming manageable. I had learned coping skills for moments of anxiety or periods of darkness. I had my little pile that I could pull from.

Yesterday seemed to open up a black hole in me. One that I did not realize that was there. One that made me realize just how far the abuse went and would go. 

A conversation happened yesterday that put all of the cards on the table. That stated in pure terms how because of my trauma, I could not handle the stresses of a field placement. Not even a job.

Is this how I am seen by others? Do those closest to me see me as nothing more than my illness? Have they given up hope of me one day moving on? 

Today, I am numb. I just want to be left alone and stay in the house. I want to attempt to deal with the reality of how many parts of me are broken and how severe the breaks are. The unseen wounds are there and run deep. They are the scars left behind from all that went on. Yesterday, just proved how others see them as weak when I see them as a strength.

For now, I just want to be able to see my doctors today and tomorrow and forget about school and all that comes with it. Maybe by the weekend I will have a better outlook and more hope.