I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.
Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.
My life is in limbo right now. Apparently, I have to go in front of a committee, yet there has not been a date set. I most likely will not get another field placement this yer. This means that I will have to drop two classes. I am not a very optimistic person. To me, Just wish that those in charge would make a decision. In the meantime, I need to keep going to class and pretend that everything is ok. I have a pessimistic outlook. Why am I even going to class when this committee could expel me from the school.
I am waiting to hear what the committee’s decision is to know my next steps. In the meanwhile going to class and pretending that everything will be ok is draining. Another attempt to move forward may have failed. Why am I even good for? Am i to far gone in my mental illness to participate in society? I wish that someone could give me the answers.
My spouse is upset that I am so depressed. He feels like I should be up for the challenge of going before the review board. He keeps saying that things have not come to an end. I wish that I could believe him!
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with the Assistant Dean of Students to discuss what is happening. I am hoping she can assist me a little. At least tell me where I am in the process.
In the meantime, I have papers that may never be counted! Just keep moving forward is not something that I do very well! Is there a degree out there for me or am I so lost that I cannot even find a path to be on?
As I sit here in the second class of my day, I wonder if this is the right choice for me. I cannot get out of my head that I should not be a social worker. I know this is what I wanted to do, just not with kids or teenagers.
I am still waiting for the date of my Student Review Board. Who knows what they will determine. I am going to be so upset if I am doing my work and then the board decides to kick me out of the school. I have started to believe that I cannot lead a normal life with my disability.
I can take meds and get to doctors appointments. After that things are a struggle from the time that I wake up. I can barely get myself something to eat unless it has already been prepared. Then there is the entire leaving the house aspect of it all. All I want to do is stay at home. Leaving the house has caused me panic attacks and all I do is shake. Maybe I am just not ready. Then I think about my future. I want to have a career and I have done enough therapy on why I wanted to be a social worker and the people that I would like to work with.
I had a 4.0 when I took undergraduate courses in Social Work. After 5 weeks in Graduate School, I have been asked to leave my field placement and the worst case is to be expelled from the school. I cannot believe I did not even get 10 days to work with students. I keep wondering why I am sitting here now questioning if I should stay in the program at all.
Maybe 13 years of trauma work has done something to me. Do I really see everything in my life through those lenses? I did not think so? I do know boundaries and what mine are as a student. I know that I did not cross boundaries with students and did not violate any ethical rules.
MY self harm thoughts are growing. I really wonder what I have to live for at this point. I cannot fit in with society. What am I going to do. The hospital is the only place where I feel that I am not looked at as some specimen or weird person. In the hospital there are others like me who have know pain and adversity. Out in the real world I cannot seem to find my place. I cannot make friends, I cannot sit in a class without giving my opinion, and currently my thoughts have reached a level where all i want to do is disappear.
Currently my thoughts have doubled as to leave school. I do not know where I would go from there. Maybe try to get the pieces put back together in some order. Maybe read some and include some art work and journaling in my day. Do I need to analyze my position in society and what i am really able to take. I really do not like leaving the house. I especially do not like being somewhere that I feel like anything could happen at any time to get to school. Drug deal, taking drugs, arguments, those with undiagnosed disorders walking around screaming at the closest object to them. Then all of the ambulances that never seem to end during class. I am broken at this point and need time to put things back together in my head and in my life. Maybe my first goal should be to figure out where it would be best for me to live? Right now, I just do not know.
I met with my field liaison yesterday. I was informed that the principal no longer wanted me in the school. I have only had one brief encounter with him, yet he is saying that I was diagnosing the three clients on my caseload and was disrespecting him in front of students.
In to next two weeks I am going to have to go in front of a review board who will decide my fate. It could be that I need to take this year over, I could fail field, or I could be expelled from the program. None of the options sound very good. This also goes on my permanent transcript that I could not make it in this field placement.
A large part of me just wants to quit. I do not want to have to keep going to two classes that I may have to repeat. I know that I have PTSD. I know that I have other mental illnesses. I have them, I do not diagnos them. At this point, I just want to walk in on Monday and drop out of the program. Maybe this is not for me. Truly, I am not sure what to do. I do know this is to much stress!!
Getting a Masters Degree was my goal. I though that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I fell the other day trying to go to class. They will not allow handicap parking unless I am seen by a student doctor even though I have handicapped tags on my car.
Then there are all of the ambulances going into the hospital next door. Every time that I hear one I have a flashback to when I was younger. I cannot focus in class. I cannot even remember what I have done the past few weeks. Physically and mentally I am exhausted. I realize that I have time, yet I do not seem to have the physical energy to complete anything. My body is done. All my body wants to do is to sit in one place and not have to get up or deal with self evaluations.
I am going to email one more person at school today that may be able to hook me up with a mentor. Maybe that would help. I know that lack of support is a problem right now. I need someone to be able to get me through this first year. If not, I cannot do it myself. I am wiped out.
It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises.
Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.
Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.
I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.
I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.
This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.
Black/white, poor/ rich, “normal”/mentally ill ? That is what seems like people judge each other on. Everyone is an individual. No one even of the same background, has the same experience that has formulated how they are as the whole person.
Social work is all about oppression, yet every time that a discussion gets started it turns into black and white. Inevitably, someone brings up slavery. Yes some people are descended from slaves, some people came over to this country over the past twenty years.
My great grandfather and grandmother came here from Italy. They did know anyone and were dirt poor. Luckily my great grandfather knew how do construction. He worked until the day that he died. When people look at me they see money, power, and privilege. The reality is that I grew up in a working class neighborhood with parents who were still mourning the two children that they lost and hating the one they had. My parents did not want me, the majority of my peers did not like me, and my self-esteem could be measured in negative numbers.
Why can’t people just see the person next to them as another human being. A person with a background and a past. One might be surprised at how close your experiences are and how the two of you could support each other.
This is just my opinion. I look at a person as qualities and experiences not their gender or the color of their skin! Tonight is yet another discussion on race. I do not want class to just see black and white as what makes someone who they are! At least I can practice one day with an open mind.
I knew that graduate school was going to be hard. I did not intend for it to make me feel so bad after only 5 weeks. I feel like I am on this ride that I cannot get off of. The ride just keeps going with no sign of end in site. The small comfort is that there are others on this ride to nowhere.
Last semester, I was able to keep my head above water and get my assignments and readings completed. This semester, grad school feels like some horrible monster that I cannot get rid of. For me, I knew that grad school would be hard. 15 credits is hard no matter what. People had told me about how bad field could be and I am experiencing my own learning curve with that.
What no one told me or warned me about was all of the reading. If it would be 100 pages I could handle it. It is between three and four hundred pages a week. I barely can get the reading finished. Then, for every class I have at least one research paper. We were to led to believe from the professors thatthey were not that bad. That is completely coming from those who grade them, not those who write them.
Added onto all of the fun items above is the parking. Even the campus police told us to hide phone, money, wallets, not to make eye contact with people, not to talk or engage in conversation, and to be aware at all times. I am already hyper vigilant, I did not need that speech to scare the hell out of me, I already had a good picture.
There have been some issues. People deciding to beat on my car with me in it. Others asking me for money each time I pass them. Still there are others that are yelling. I am not taking the time to find out if it is me or not. I just keep going. Why could I not have a school with a regular campus and campus issues. Instead I get texts telling me what just happened to someone.
If I want to be a patient advocate and get an MSW, I need to just try each day to take it one hour at a time. Some hours are horrible!! Others are not so bad. Technically, I have survived my first month. I am scared about the next three that I have to get through. Somehow I have to do this. At least now I know that for the next two years, graduate school is the priority.
I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class.
My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.
Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?
The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.