Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.

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Medication Nightmares

I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.

Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.

The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.

I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!

I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.

My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.

Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.

The Black Hole that is my Current Situation

I am in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do and seem to be self harming more and more. I thought that I knew what I wanted, now all of those plans have been ripped apart. School is gone for now. Even the hospital really could not help me. I feel like I am at rock bottom with no way to get out. I do not have any hope that things will get better.

I am still not seeing my children. I knew there was a possibility of this when I went inpatient. I just did not know that my ex would be this much of a jerk about every step in the process to get them back.

Now, it looks like I am going to be a part of a DBT group. That will last 6 months. Part of me is like what then. Will I have anymore direction than I do right now? Will there be anything that I will be able to do without becoming angry and full of rage?

I am not sure if my family understands what is going on. We could not make a fall event and now we are not invited to the winter event. I know I am different, I just hate being treated like it by those who should support me. At least a text or a call.

School, work, even just getting through the day is currently hard to nonexistent.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.

How to Keep Moving Forward

My life is in limbo right now. Apparently, I have to go in front of a committee, yet there has not been a date set. I most likely will not get another field placement this yer. This means that I will have to drop two classes. I am not a very optimistic person. To me, Just wish that those in charge would make a decision. In the meantime, I need to keep going to class and pretend that everything is ok. I have a pessimistic outlook. Why am I even going to class when this committee could expel me from the school.

I am waiting to hear what the committee’s decision is to know my next steps. In the meanwhile going to class and pretending that everything will be ok is draining. Another attempt to move forward may have failed. Why am I even good for? Am i to far gone in  my mental illness to participate in society? I wish that someone could give me the answers.

My spouse is upset that I am so depressed. He feels like I should be up for the challenge of going before the review board. He keeps saying that things have not come to an end. I wish that I could believe him!

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with the Assistant Dean of Students to discuss what is happening. I am hoping she can assist me a little. At least tell me where I am in the process.

In the meantime, I have papers that may never be counted! Just keep moving forward is not something that I do very well! Is there a degree out there for me or am I so lost that I cannot even find a path to be on?

Where am I Going? (May Trigger)

As I sit here in the second class of my day, I wonder if this is the right choice for me. I cannot get out of my head that I should not be a social worker. I know this is what I wanted to do, just not with kids or teenagers.

I am still waiting for the date of my Student Review Board. Who knows what they will determine. I am going to be so upset if I am doing my work and then the board decides to kick me out of the school. I have started to believe that I cannot lead a normal life with my disability.

I can take meds and get to doctors appointments. After that things are a struggle from the time that I wake up. I can barely get myself something to eat unless it has already been prepared. Then there is the entire leaving the house aspect of it all. All I want to do is stay at home. Leaving the house has caused me panic attacks and all I do is shake. Maybe I am just not ready. Then I think about my future. I want to have a career and I have done enough therapy on why I wanted to be a social worker and the people that I would like to work with.

Future? What is there for me? **May Trigger**

I had a 4.0 when I took undergraduate courses in Social Work. After 5 weeks in Graduate School, I have been asked to leave my field placement and the worst case is to be expelled  from the school. I cannot believe I did not even get 10 days to work with students. I keep wondering why I am sitting here now questioning if I should stay in the program at all.

Maybe 13 years of trauma work has done something to me. Do I really see everything in my life through those lenses? I did not think so? I do know boundaries and what mine are as a student. I know that I did not cross boundaries with students and did not violate any ethical rules.

MY self harm thoughts are growing. I really wonder what I have to live for at this point. I cannot fit in with society. What am I going to do. The hospital is the only place where I feel that I am not looked at as some specimen or weird person. In the hospital there are others like me who have know pain and adversity. Out in the real world I cannot seem to find my place. I cannot make friends, I cannot sit in a class without giving my opinion, and currently my thoughts have reached a level where all i want to do is disappear.

Currently my thoughts have doubled as to leave school. I do not know where I would go from there. Maybe try to get the pieces put back together in some order. Maybe read some and include some art work and journaling in my day. Do I need to analyze my position in society and what i am really able to take. I really do not like leaving the house. I especially do not like being somewhere that I feel like anything could happen at any time to get to school. Drug deal, taking drugs, arguments, those with undiagnosed disorders walking around screaming at the closest object to them. Then all of the ambulances that never seem to end during class. I am broken at this point and need time to put things back together in my head and in my life. Maybe my first goal should be to figure out where it would be best for me to live? Right now, I just do not know.

It is Out of My Hands

I met with my field liaison yesterday. I was informed that the principal no longer wanted me in the school. I have only had one brief encounter with him, yet he is saying that I was diagnosing the three clients on my caseload and was disrespecting him in front of students.

In to next two weeks I am going to have to go in front of a review board who will decide my fate. It could be that I need to take this year over, I could fail field, or I could be expelled from the program. None of the options sound very good. This also goes on my permanent transcript that I could not make it in this field placement.

A large part of me just wants to quit. I do not want to have to keep going to two classes that I may have to repeat. I know that I have PTSD. I know that I have other mental illnesses. I have them, I do not diagnos them. At this point, I just want to walk in on Monday and drop out of the program. Maybe this is not for me. Truly, I am not sure what to do. I do know this is to much stress!!

I Think I am Done

Getting a Masters Degree was my goal. I though that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I fell the other day trying to go to class. They will not allow handicap parking unless I am seen by a student doctor even though I have handicapped tags on my car.

Then there are all of the ambulances going into the hospital next door. Every time that I hear one I have a flashback to when I was younger. I cannot focus in class. I cannot even remember what I have done the past few weeks. Physically and mentally I am exhausted. I realize that I have time, yet I do not seem to have the physical energy to complete anything. My body is done. All my body wants to do is to sit in one place and not have to get up or deal with self evaluations.

I am going to email one more person at school today that may be able to hook me up with a mentor. Maybe that would help. I know that lack of support is a problem right now. I need someone to be able to get me through this first year. If not, I cannot do it myself. I am wiped out.

Getting Worse **May Trigger**

It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises. 

Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.

Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.

I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.

I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.

This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.