From the beginning of my journey, I have had issues with self harm. Doing it , made me actually be able to calm down, yet it has left me with permanent scars that remind me of those terrible times. They also bring up how hurt I was and how messed up my life has been.
There are still difficult days and times that I feel like acting in my impulses to self harm. I am not sure those impulses will ever go away or if they will always be in the back of my mind.
Six years ago, I picked out my first tattoo. It was made up of the colors of mental health, cancer, and fibromyalgia awareness. Every time I look at that tattoo it makes me realize that I did not want to mess it up. Self harming in that spot was no longer comfortable.
I then had a tattoo in the other arm. In order to get new tattoos my scars need to fully heal. Now, they are a road map of my life. Moments of desperation as well as elation. Artists renderings of pain as well as some of my best memories.
Even with my time loss, I can look at them and the memories are triggered. They have helped me heal and solidify my journey. I am in the process of planning a full sleeve for the next piece. I cannot wait to see what my artists draws and then watch it come to life. Another step to healing.
For so many years, I have done what other people wanted or what I thought would make the other person happy. This past hospitalization changed some things. One was that I had to learn to be honest when I am overwhelmed.
A death in the family and a holiday was just enough to deal with. I had to opt out of going to my husband’s nephews religious ceremony. It was just to much. I was to amped up to go anywhere.
There are just some things that I do not have the ability to do right now. I am out of the hospital, yet recovery is going to take a while. I need to do what is best for my recovery.
I had to make a list of goals that I would achieve in order to function at the most basic level. Yesterday, I was told to rank those goals into three different categories: easy, medium and hard.
At first I thought that it would be no problem. I just had to make a list. Then last night, I looked at the list and really thought about what goal would go where. That is when I realized that I am struggling even more than I thought.
A goal like going and getting the mail sounds easy, yet I am deathly afraid to leave the house. I have mastered getting everything that I need delivered. Then there was a goal about preparing meals when I have trouble making the simplest foods.
Maybe these goals are going to be a lot harder to attain than I first thought. Hopefully, I can be true to myself as I rank them and realize that I am having a hard time right now and some goals may not be so easy.
So, today I will attempt to work on the list. Just getting out of bed is hard. Maybe I should begin with that as my first goal.
Finally, the surgeries are over for the summer. Yesterday, went better then expected, although I am tired today and am having some after effects. Both of those should go away soon.
Next, is to try to switch over to a new antidepressant. Fingers crossed that the side effects are minimal and that this medication works out. The real plus is that I can take it at night with my other medications.
The other aspect that I need to work on is my binging. I really need to get on a routine and stop using food to deal with my emotions. That sounds so easy, yet it is hard to do. I found a support group and a lot of them use the same app that I am trying. It seems like it is going well for them.
I am also looking forward to the kids coming the last week of this month and the first weeks of July. We plan on going to the pool and just relaxing. Both of them will be in high school next year. They should be able to relax and have fun doing what they want. They deserve some time off.
Two cats. They would be all alone during the day if I was not here. I feed them and am able to play with the kitten. Both cats like to lay on my lap which decreases my anxiety.
Diamond paintings make me focus on what diamonds go with what symbols. I am able to get paintings that are what I cannot draw. Doing a little each night with a cat laying by my side creates a sense of accomplishment. In fact, I realized last night that I am halfway through the canvas that I am working on.
So the cats are there to calm me and support me during the day and the diamond paintings make me feel like I am getting something done.
It has been a busy weekend. I am lucky to have two out of three kids this weekend. They helped to make pies and put up the Christmas decorations for our first Christmas in the new house. It was so nice to have them and their energy. It actually motivated me to decorate and bake when I did not feel like doing anything earlier in the week.
We also went to the movies and had a lively discussion after the movie. It is nice to be able to really talk to them and get their opinions. Today is just a laid back day. We are going to attempt to make cookies. That should be fun. We will also watch some Christmas movies.
The cats are doing so much better. Our older cat is hissing a lot less and they have even touched noses a few times. We caught them both laying under the tree yesterday.
Hope everyone who reads this is doing well. I know how tough this time of year can be. One day at a time.
It is weird going from a place where there was the constant noise of police sirens and helicopters to a setting where the only sounds are a lawnmower or a passing car. People ask how you are doing and life goes at its own pace.
There is no feeling that at any minute someone is going to break in or that I will see a rat driving home. I have parking as well as spots to relax and calm down.
Things are getting done. My projects right now include shelf liner, sink liner, and a ton of paint. I cannot wait for the kids to see the house. I hope they like it as much as I do.
The ants seem to be slowly dwindling in number. I am excited to see less each time that I look. Some storage is on its way. What seems like a big kitchen is small when you have a husband who loves to cook and is an appliance geek.
My ex is still being difficult with visitation and seems to be taking the opportunity to lesson my visits with the kids if possible. I really do not want to go back to court, yet if I have to I will. I have less than 5 years now until all of the kids are 18. That is a good feeling.
Well, we have finally done it! We are moving to a quieter and safer neighborhood. My husband is bringing home boxes to pack. It is exciting and scary. I wonder if people will be friendly and if we will be accepted. I will soon find out.
I seem to be more worried about the stress on the cat than anything else. She is going to go to a new home and she does not like change. At least she will be with us and we can keep her on her schedule.
The kids father is already making a big deal out of this. I hope that it can be worked out without court, yet the track record shows that he prefers the expensive legal route.
Any moving tip or tricks to make moving less stressful and easier are welcome. Thanks in advance.
It seems like it was so hopeful that we were leaving this triggering neighborhood. No more would I see all those places with terrible memories. We even went to look at future homes.
I should have realized that it was not to be. Not with the way that my life has turned out. It would seem that the reality is that I am destined to live by my abusers. Maybe one day that will make me stronger. Today, it just makes me hopeless. My abusers will win again and have no consequences for their actions.
My safety is going to be questionable for a bit. It seems like their was a glimmer that things would change, yet the reality is that no one wants to live here. It is like it is cursed. My mind has to adjust to the fact that things will stay the same and that all of those places that hold memories of past abuse are still there to taunt me.
Our family is looking at moving out of the area where I was abused. In some ways it is scary. In other ways I am looking forward to be able to go out of the house and maybe explore a new area.
It will be weird to not be by my abusers and to not have to come back to the neighborhood. I feel like my life is going to get a second chance and I cannot ruin it. Maybe going back to school at different college with a different viewpoint will help.
My family can make new memories at a new place that may allow me to finally get well and recover. I will be able to still see my treatment team. I will try to keep the blog updated. Especially when we find a house and have a contract.