It is Out of My Hands

I met with my field liaison yesterday. I was informed that the principal no longer wanted me in the school. I have only had one brief encounter with him, yet he is saying that I was diagnosing the three clients on my caseload and was disrespecting him in front of students.

In to next two weeks I am going to have to go in front of a review board who will decide my fate. It could be that I need to take this year over, I could fail field, or I could be expelled from the program. None of the options sound very good. This also goes on my permanent transcript that I could not make it in this field placement.

A large part of me just wants to quit. I do not want to have to keep going to two classes that I may have to repeat. I know that I have PTSD. I know that I have other mental illnesses. I have them, I do not diagnos them. At this point, I just want to walk in on Monday and drop out of the program. Maybe this is not for me. Truly, I am not sure what to do. I do know this is to much stress!!

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One Side or the Other,Why Not Look at Everyone As An Individual ?

Black/white, poor/ rich, “normal”/mentally ill ? That is what seems like people judge each other on. Everyone is an individual. No one even of the same background, has the same experience that has formulated how they are as the whole person.

Social work is all about oppression, yet every time that a discussion gets started it turns into black and white. Inevitably, someone brings up slavery. Yes some people are descended from slaves, some people came over to this country over the past twenty years.

My great grandfather and grandmother came here from Italy. They did know anyone and were dirt poor. Luckily my great grandfather knew how do construction. He worked until the day that he died. When people look at me they see money, power, and privilege. The reality is that I grew up in a working class neighborhood with parents who were still mourning the two children that they lost and hating the one they had. My parents did not want me, the majority of my peers did not like me, and my self-esteem could be measured in negative numbers.

Why can’t people just see the person next to them as another human being. A person with a background and a past. One might be surprised at how close your experiences are and how the two of you could support each other.

This is just my opinion. I look at a person as qualities and experiences not their gender or the color of their skin! Tonight is yet another discussion on race. I do not want class to just see black and white as what makes someone who they are! At least I can practice one day with an open mind.

It is Always a Struggle

I thought that things were finalized. Then, out of the blue they were ripped out from underneath me. One placement was not possible because I am a non-custodial parent. The other is not going to work because of my PTSD.

I am going to fight to get a field placement. There has to be a place that will be able to see my history as an asset not a hinderance. Today, I have to start what I believe will be many phone calls to make sure that everything works out. I do not want to go above anyone else, yet that seems to be the only course of action right now.

I cannot let anyone define me or tell me what I can or cannot do because I have experienced trauma. I am aware that the field that I want to go into is challenging. I just cannot believed that someone called me out on my illness and took a potential field placement away due to a diagnosis.

The Current Black Hole

I thought that the effects of my abuse were becoming manageable. I had learned coping skills for moments of anxiety or periods of darkness. I had my little pile that I could pull from.

Yesterday seemed to open up a black hole in me. One that I did not realize that was there. One that made me realize just how far the abuse went and would go. 

A conversation happened yesterday that put all of the cards on the table. That stated in pure terms how because of my trauma, I could not handle the stresses of a field placement. Not even a job.

Is this how I am seen by others? Do those closest to me see me as nothing more than my illness? Have they given up hope of me one day moving on? 

Today, I am numb. I just want to be left alone and stay in the house. I want to attempt to deal with the reality of how many parts of me are broken and how severe the breaks are. The unseen wounds are there and run deep. They are the scars left behind from all that went on. Yesterday, just proved how others see them as weak when I see them as a strength.

For now, I just want to be able to see my doctors today and tomorrow and forget about school and all that comes with it. Maybe by the weekend I will have a better outlook and more hope.

My past affects the Present

Today, I realized that my trauma history could make it extremely difficult for me to find a position in the area that I have chosen to study. I was informed that due to my history, I may not be able to handle the stress of the position. That people who do not have any history sometimes cannot handle the stress.

Things went as I always thought that they would. People are always going to wonder if a person who has experienced trauma can handle other people with trauma. Can I move beyond my history? Can I be effective? Will I get burned out? all of those are very real possibilities that I have worked through when contemplating doing this field of study.

I just wish that people could look at what I would bring to their organization. That I could actually make things stronger and look at things from a different point of view. The worse part is that I may not be able to find a field placement. That no-one would want me after reading about me and why I want to do this work. Time will soon show what is going to happen. Maybe I was accepted to grad school,  yet will not be able to even get past the first hurdle.

Any Other Illness

I am doing the local NAMI walk for the first time this year. My goal was $50. I thought that people would donate $5. I had donated to other people fundraisers before. 

Boy, was I wrong. Apparently, mental health is like the plague. I am not sure if people think it is a choice or that they will catch it, but they want to get as far away as possible.

Things always change when someone around them is diagnosed or even worse they turn their backs on that person. Maybe, I will not raise the money, yet I am still going to walk. The walk means so much to me. NAMI has given me a way for me to tell my story.

I am also walking for all of those who lost their battle with mental illness and those who count on the support groups for assistance. Change is always slow!! One day this will be accepted. For now, I can accept those around me and support them.