Over 10 years of therapy and relatively nothing has changed. Treatment resistant, medication resistant, unable to assist. All of those have been written on my paperwork.
I told my therapist the other day that I want to die, yet no way of dying is 100%. It has been suggested that I get out and join a club. I tried a book club. The book had to many triggers and the discussion was even worse. Child abuse, spousal abuse, and substance abuse were all a part of the book.
Then I am told to go out and do normal activities. I have panic attacks at the store that leave me frozen and feeling like the store is closing in around me. I always feel like I will be attacked at places that do not have many people around like gas stations. My vocal cords seem to freeze up when I want to ask for something.
I have resorted to buying things online. Even then, I do not answer the door when the doorbell rings because I am scared of who may be on the other side. I feel like people can tell I am damaged by the way that I shake and avoid eye contact.
Then there is the anger that can be activated at any time. This is not normal anger. I am afraid I will actually hurt someone else. Anything can set off the anger and once it begins I have trouble stopping.
Where is my place in society? What do I do if I cannot leave the house and am scared to hurt people? How do I perform everyday tasks while the space is closing in on me and I am shaking to the point of just wanting to sit and scream for help?
How do I begin to work through this? When are my thoughts not automatically going to go to not existing? Who am I ? All of these are questions that I need to answer, yet do not seem to know how.
Coping skills. I have tried to use them over the past few days. I have journaled, breathed, used distraction, talked to a friend, and even left the situation to try to calm down. Nothing has worked. I am still as angry as I was before I did all of those things and now it is another day.
I am scared that I am going to hurt myself. I know I am so close because I feel like I am going to go every which way and I cannot hold myself together.
I should not feel like this. I have a great husband and my kids are here for their summer visit, yet here I am mad and angry as ever. Just wanting to be alone and try to get myself together.
Later, I am going to try to do some art work and see if that helps. I have already taken a PRN. Right now I feel hopeless that this is going to change. I feel lost as to what to do!
I feel like I am trapped. I am somewhere on the scale in more than one aspect of my life. I do not want to be alive, yet killing myself would hurt those around me. I want therapy, yet it does not seem to be going well with my therapist at this time.
Even my kids are a conundrum. I worry about their lives, yet I am not there with them during the week. There is only so much that I can do over the phone. I just received an email today from a teacher of my son who has chosen to not communicate with me. He is not doing well. I really want to be able to get makeup work for him and have him do it at my house, yet he will not even come out to the car to say hello to me.
At least I have my diamond paintings and can lose myself in that world for a few hours each night. I also have two sweet cats. One who is laying on my lap and another who gives kisses at night before she goes to sleep.
My husband allowed us to move this past year and I am no longer trapped in a neighborhood full of crime. If I look at the whole picture it is pretty divided. I am not even sure what image it conjures up. Maybe some type of storm where it is raining on one side of the painting with dark gray clouds and a rainbow on the other side. The problem is that I feel like I am right on the thin line down the middle.
I went to the new doctor yesterday. I think that she thought it would be an easy appointment. It was anything but easy. She saw all of the evidence of my self harm and of course the typical questions followed. I told her the truth and said that I have had a plan since I was around 10 years old.
Why aren’t doctors taught about patients who have experienced trauma? Instead they are put into situations where they are overwhelmed by the patient. Not only do I have a list of diagnoses, i also have a lot of medical issues. The doctor did not seem to know where to start.
Tests were ordered and I have to return in a couple of months. I am glad the doctor is being careful, yet I am scared that the doctor is in over her head. Maybe she will turn out to be one of the best doctors that I have had, if not at least she will gain some experience.
On another front, therapy is not going well. My parts do not feel heard or even like they have a place in therapy. We have had one doctor who could handle us and she is gone. At least she acknowledged that multiple parts could experience an event completely differently. Right now we feel unheard. We feel like the therapist is trying to sweep us away instead of making us part of the therapy. We are hopeless that things will change at this point and are considering options where we may have a chance to participate.
Right now, we are lost. We do not belong anywhere except for hidden on the inside. We have had to many years of that to keep doing it, it does not work and eventually leads to self harm as a way of expressing that those parts are there. We are hoping that something gets resolved soon.
While I like the holidays, they are so stressful. First are the social situations. I hate people asking me questions. How are you doing? Then in my head I begin to contemplate what to say. It would probably be better to say fine, yet I am tired of ignoring my feelings. Then there are people who want to know exactly where I now live. I am not comfortable giving out my address. For me, if the have my email and phone number, they do not need my address.
This year we are having my husbands family over. I always feel like the house is never clean enough and that I am being judged on how the house looks as well as the food that we are serving.
Then there are gifts. I have had to stay off of social media. I am tired of seeing all of the top gift lists. They make me feel like what I did get people is inadequate, yet that is what those people have asked for over the year.
I am already stressed about taking down the decorations even though I have an organization system in place.
The holidays are supposed to be filled with friends and family, yet all I want to really do is crawl under the covers or a blanket and watch Christmas movies.
I know that I cannot be the only one that feels this way!!
My husband and I went to out to a farmers market this morning. I had been there before and should have been fine. Instead my stomach began to hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up.
This feeling of tightness and being overwhelmed happens every time that I go to leave the house. It is like my body just refuses to leave. I know rationally that I am safe, yet I have the most irrational thoughts about leaving the house.
Things are ok with the kitten. We let her explore the house again today and she had an accident on the sofa. Now I am worried that she will no longer use her litter box or that she does not like the litter since it is different to what she is used too.
Monday, I need to call the TMS provider. I am worried that they will think that I am a loss cause or I might not be able to keep up with the treatment schedule that is ordered. I would like to stop feeling like crap though, so I at least need to try.
Getting an MSW did not work out so well for whatever reason. I am not even sure that what happened was my fault. Withdrawing from the program made me question my ability to do anything at all. All I know is that I still want to work with people.
This fall, I plan to begin a program at the local community college to be able to be a chemical dependency counselor. I am worried that it will just be another dead end. That this program will not work out either. I know that I have to try. I want to show my kids that no matter what happens in life there is always another path. Even if that path seems impossible to get through.
I surprised myself yesterday. I went on my son’s field trip. I was surprised to know and realize how excited he was and how happy he became in seeing all of the artifacts that interested him. It turned out to be a better day than I thought.
In the next week, I need to look at classes. It scares me and part of me does not want to do it. This is a hard time of year. My parents were especially harsh. They always said that I was not good enough. That loop needs to slow down in my head. I need to believe in myself and see this fall as an opportunity to be able to begin again.
The holidays!! I like putting up the tree, wrapping presents, and baking. Then there is the part the I don’t particularly like or want to go through. Family visits.
Not that my family is not nice and funny. It is when they ask how I am doing. I want to tell the truth so badly. I dropped out of school, I was in a mental hospital twice, I am almost finished with treatment at the wound care center for the self harm that I did, and oh yeah I do not have my kids because of legal reasons. Meanwhile, they are discussing the successful jobs and normal lives. They have their kids with them and their life is stable.
Nothing like feeling like a complete failure. It does not matter anymore that I graduated with highest honors and a BS. I am not using it.
Their homes are all nice and they live in good areas. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay bills and live in an area that has a reputation for being bad.
I wish that I could just stay home and hide. To not have to see anyone. There would be no panic attacks or stomach pains. I could just be in peace.
Somehow I have to get through the day and put on a happy face while I am flooded with reminders of how messed up my life is. At least I know that there will be an end and I can come home to the cat and the quiet. Wish me luck!!
I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.
Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.
Getting a Masters Degree was my goal. I though that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I fell the other day trying to go to class. They will not allow handicap parking unless I am seen by a student doctor even though I have handicapped tags on my car.
Then there are all of the ambulances going into the hospital next door. Every time that I hear one I have a flashback to when I was younger. I cannot focus in class. I cannot even remember what I have done the past few weeks. Physically and mentally I am exhausted. I realize that I have time, yet I do not seem to have the physical energy to complete anything. My body is done. All my body wants to do is to sit in one place and not have to get up or deal with self evaluations.
I am going to email one more person at school today that may be able to hook me up with a mentor. Maybe that would help. I know that lack of support is a problem right now. I need someone to be able to get me through this first year. If not, I cannot do it myself. I am wiped out.