Depression and PTSD have taken a part of me away. I am not even sure what that part is anymore. I know that I do not seem to have any energy, I remember the details of my traumas daily, and I struggle with things that others can do easily. I do not leave the house with the exception of therapy.
For some reason there are those that equate depression with sadness. It is so much more than that. It is like someone has completely darkened the space around you and then confined you into an even smaller space.
Cooking, laundry, showering, talking, and many other small things become absolutely earth shattering chores. With PTSD it is hard to hear triggers and try to do anything remotely easy. My cats are my support. As long as I pet them, they still like me. In fact, one of my cat’s is my emotional support animal.
There is not any medicine left to try at this point. I just need to work on my skills and try to do a little at a time. Sometimes it is very little at this point.
I had to make a list of goals that I would achieve in order to function at the most basic level. Yesterday, I was told to rank those goals into three different categories: easy, medium and hard.
At first I thought that it would be no problem. I just had to make a list. Then last night, I looked at the list and really thought about what goal would go where. That is when I realized that I am struggling even more than I thought.
A goal like going and getting the mail sounds easy, yet I am deathly afraid to leave the house. I have mastered getting everything that I need delivered. Then there was a goal about preparing meals when I have trouble making the simplest foods.
Maybe these goals are going to be a lot harder to attain than I first thought. Hopefully, I can be true to myself as I rank them and realize that I am having a hard time right now and some goals may not be so easy.
So, today I will attempt to work on the list. Just getting out of bed is hard. Maybe I should begin with that as my first goal.
I have been trying to hold it together and now I feel like I am coming apart at the seams . There were the thoughts of self harm that slowly crept their way back into my mind. Then I began to have trouble focusing and concentrating on things like tv and reading. I found that I could not remember what I had just did or said. I have been more moody than usual and have no desire to do any activity.
My treatment team has been attempting to treat me outpatient. That normally works. If I go into the hospital, I potentially lose my kids again. Now I feel like I have to choose between my kids and my health.
I am having trouble doing the simplest things. I cannot drive without trouble because I cannot focus. I want help and am not sure what to do! The driving is affecting my ability to get to outpatient treatment. I just want some help right now. I have called my treatment team, yet they have yet to call me back.
So right now I sit here waiting and attempting to stay safe until someone can help.
Most years, since 2004, I have gone into the hospital in September. I begin to have more nightmares and flashbacks. My coping skills seem to evaporate. Many times I self harm.
This has been one of the worst years. I am beginning to clearly remember things that were fuzzy. Instances of trauma have been verified. I feel trapped in my own skin without a way out.
Those closest to me have no idea what to do and are overwhelmed with what they are seeing. They want to help. I just cannot seem to catch the life preserver being thrown and at times handed to me.
For the first time in a long time I am scared how the rest of the month will go. I do not want to make a choice that will negatively impact those around me. For right now, everyday is a struggle.
Over 10 years of therapy and relatively nothing has changed. Treatment resistant, medication resistant, unable to assist. All of those have been written on my paperwork.
I told my therapist the other day that I want to die, yet no way of dying is 100%. It has been suggested that I get out and join a club. I tried a book club. The book had to many triggers and the discussion was even worse. Child abuse, spousal abuse, and substance abuse were all a part of the book.
Then I am told to go out and do normal activities. I have panic attacks at the store that leave me frozen and feeling like the store is closing in around me. I always feel like I will be attacked at places that do not have many people around like gas stations. My vocal cords seem to freeze up when I want to ask for something.
I have resorted to buying things online. Even then, I do not answer the door when the doorbell rings because I am scared of who may be on the other side. I feel like people can tell I am damaged by the way that I shake and avoid eye contact.
Then there is the anger that can be activated at any time. This is not normal anger. I am afraid I will actually hurt someone else. Anything can set off the anger and once it begins I have trouble stopping.
Where is my place in society? What do I do if I cannot leave the house and am scared to hurt people? How do I perform everyday tasks while the space is closing in on me and I am shaking to the point of just wanting to sit and scream for help?
How do I begin to work through this? When are my thoughts not automatically going to go to not existing? Who am I ? All of these are questions that I need to answer, yet do not seem to know how.
When my therapist asked me how I felt yesterday I replied that I felt unreal and out of my body. It is like I am just watching things go on around me.
Maybe I feel like I do not have a say in what goes on. Life just happens. Visits with the kids, feeding the pets, and so on. It is like I am on auto pilot and cannot find myself anywhere.
I am losing so much time anymore. I do not watch TV series because I cannot remember them. I can read the same book over and over and not remember what it is about. I tune out all the time and do not even realize it because this coping mechanism has become such a large part of my life.
My therapist suggested a service dog may be a good idea in the future. One that could detect when I dissociate and be able to get me back to the present. The cost is just prohibitive at this point.
Another day has started that I honestly will not remember. The cats need to be fed in a few hours and then I am not sure what will happen.
Coping skills. I have tried to use them over the past few days. I have journaled, breathed, used distraction, talked to a friend, and even left the situation to try to calm down. Nothing has worked. I am still as angry as I was before I did all of those things and now it is another day.
I am scared that I am going to hurt myself. I know I am so close because I feel like I am going to go every which way and I cannot hold myself together.
I should not feel like this. I have a great husband and my kids are here for their summer visit, yet here I am mad and angry as ever. Just wanting to be alone and try to get myself together.
Later, I am going to try to do some art work and see if that helps. I have already taken a PRN. Right now I feel hopeless that this is going to change. I feel lost as to what to do!
My surgical wounds are almost entirely healed. I am finally able to do the things around the house like laundry. Tomorrow is my post operative appointment. Hopefully everything is fine and I will not have to go back.
I was supposed to have another procedure next month, yet I am putting it off until June. I am still trying to get used to the life changes after this procedure.
Mentally, I am not doing as well. It is hard to have to cut out so many foods from my diet. Cooking is triggering for me. I may have to start though. There are some easy recipes out there.
I still wake up in the morning with the cats and feed them. Then I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. I know that I should try to go for a walk or to the gym, yet I cannot seem to find the motivation. I also seem to be remembering more lately. Combined with the verification from my mother that I was really not wanted I think I just need some time to get my head around everything.
Part of me just needs to accept life as it is and stop worrying about everything that I have lost. I also need to stop worrying about if the kids will decide not to come over. That is not something that I can control.
When I was first admitted to a psychiatric unit, I thought that I did not fit in and did not belong there. Boy was I wrong. Not only did I seem to fit, I could relate to their symptoms and stories.
I heard other patients talking about losing their children, divorces, friends abandoning them, and losing other things in their life. How nieve I was. I thought that would not happen to me.
Life happened. All of the above came true. Then I tried to get myself together. That was a mistake. I realized that I don’t fit in with “normal” people so well. Others can look me up and find out that I lost my kids and that I am sick. They do not want me as a part of their world.
Then I worked with my doctor on getting a degree that I could use. Funny, I thought that other social workers would accept a fellow student with a mental illness. Instead I was alienated and told that I was to ill to complete the program and be an effective social worker.
In order to go to school I had to take out loans. Now, I cannot complete my degree and am having issues paying back the loan. “Permanent Disability”. That is what I apparently am considered at this point. Someone who does not have the ability to get a job and will not be able to for the foreseeable future.
Maybe it is true. I am scared to leave the house and interact with others. I have to take medication just to not feel suicidal all day. I spend many hours going back and forth to doctors and therapy.
Is this really my life? Medications, therapy, doctors. Add to that the physical problems I am now having. Karma is against me.
Trauma. Suicidal thoughts. Self Harm. All three at once or separately they each suck.
I feel as if my doctors have thrown in the towel on me. I asked to go inpatient and was told no. I should know by now how to keep myself safe. I do not understand. If I am not safe and have been acting on impulses where do I turn? Where do I go too? I was told to go to the ER. I have done that in the past and once in the hospital, found that even the doctors did not know how to treat me.
I was given the name of my doctor who works on this specialized unit in order to be able to go back if I needed help. It has been three years since I was on the unit and am so disappointed in the way I have been treated.
I feel like I have cart blanch to act on my impulses. Nothing is going to be done if I do. I have many labels now. I wish that the doctors could see that I am a person not a label. That I am trying to work and use the techniques that I have learned over the years.
Right now I am lost. I hear my doctors saying they care, yet not doing anything. I was told yesterday that I am an adult and have every right to hurt myself! Who do I get to help me when the attitude is that I should just know better??