It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.

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It is Out of My Hands

I met with my field liaison yesterday. I was informed that the principal no longer wanted me in the school. I have only had one brief encounter with him, yet he is saying that I was diagnosing the three clients on my caseload and was disrespecting him in front of students.

In to next two weeks I am going to have to go in front of a review board who will decide my fate. It could be that I need to take this year over, I could fail field, or I could be expelled from the program. None of the options sound very good. This also goes on my permanent transcript that I could not make it in this field placement.

A large part of me just wants to quit. I do not want to have to keep going to two classes that I may have to repeat. I know that I have PTSD. I know that I have other mental illnesses. I have them, I do not diagnos them. At this point, I just want to walk in on Monday and drop out of the program. Maybe this is not for me. Truly, I am not sure what to do. I do know this is to much stress!!

Getting Worse **May Trigger**

It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises. 

Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.

Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.

I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.

I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.

This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.

Can I Get Through This??

I knew that graduate school was going to be hard. I did not intend for it to make me feel so bad after only 5 weeks. I feel like I am on this ride that I cannot get off of. The ride just keeps going with no sign of end in site. The small comfort is that there are others on this ride to nowhere. 

Last semester, I was able to keep my head above water and get my assignments and readings completed. This semester, grad school feels like some horrible monster that I cannot get rid of. For me, I knew that grad school would be hard. 15 credits is hard no matter what. People had told me about how bad field could be and I am experiencing my own learning curve with that.

What no one told me or warned me about was all of the reading. If it would be 100 pages I could handle it. It is between three and four hundred pages a week. I barely can get the reading finished. Then, for every class I have at least one research paper. We were to led to believe from the professors thatthey were not that bad. That is completely coming from those who grade them, not those who write them.

Added onto all of the fun items above is the parking. Even the campus police told us to hide phone, money, wallets, not to make eye contact with people, not to talk or engage in conversation, and to be aware at all times. I am already hyper vigilant, I did not need that speech to scare the hell out of me, I already had a good picture.

There have been some issues. People deciding to beat on my car with me in it. Others asking me for money each time I pass them. Still there are others that are yelling. I am not taking the time to find out if it is me or not. I just keep going. Why could I not have a school with a regular campus and campus issues. Instead I get texts telling me what just happened to someone. 

If I want to be a patient advocate and get an MSW, I need to just try each day to take it one hour at a time. Some hours are horrible!! Others are not so bad. Technically, I have survived my first month. I am scared about the next three that I have to get through. Somehow I have to do this. At least now I know that for the next two years, graduate school is the priority.

Week #4

I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class. 

My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.

Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?

The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.

Can Anyone Tell?

Sitting in an auditorium getting ready for orientation, I feel like people can tell that I am different. I did not sleep last night because I was so anxious about today. I tried to purchase my books early to get ahead only to find out that two days ago two of the books were changed. Maybe I can sell the rest online. My anxiety is at a 10. There is just so much noise.

I am going to have to take this one day and maybe even one hour or minute at a time. There is so much work that I cannot wait to be able to place due dates on my calendar. At least then I can get a look at the big picture.

How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

Do I Have Too??

Another morning at school. I am sitting in my car as more cars are coming in. My anxiety is high this morning. I do not feel that I can deal with all of the commotion on campus today. I really felt like staying home this morning and working on schoolwork.

Yet, here I am. I sprayed some pumpkin scent into the car. I know that when I get home I will be able to sit in front of the light box my husband bought me. It was suggested that I had seasonal affective disorder because I get so depressed in the fall. I tried the light yesterday. Today, I can sit under it for the full time.

Days just seem to be going by anymore. I am slowly gettting all of my work completed even though it is a struggle. All I see when I look out of my eyes is stress. My heart pounds and my anxiety rises. I feel trapped. Maybe I should just stay in my car for a while. Maybe that will help me to calm down. Yet, sitting in a garage scares me. What if someone comes up to my car. I really want to be at home with my cat and blanket. Able to play music and study. 

Instead, I am here. 

How the Outside is Different from the Inside

PTSD, MDD, GAD, DID, OCD, and even an eating disorder are all invisible to those who do not know. I sit in a classroom and look “ok”. I sit in a common area and blend in. 

Inside, parts are screaming that all they want to go home. Some want to study for the next exam, even though we have not taken this one. Some feel like the home work that is just put up and is due next week has to get done now. Some want to run out of here because they feel trapped in silence.

The depression gets worse at this time of year. It envelopes me even as I try to go on. Getting out of bed is hard. People say “but you did it.” Sure, and there are internal consequences for doing that simple action.

Inside, we want to work on all of the stuff that is being brought up. Having to come face to face with a demon is hard. Inside, we are screaming even though we are quietly sitting somewhere outside.

People may be more accepting of mental illness. That fact is that most, not all do not want to know. Sure, they may know what depression is or can relate to feeling sad, yet can they relate to the feeling of not being able to go on for another minute. To feel like everything is crashing down.

I feel like as a person with a mental illness, it is still not ok with most of society to show it. On my really bad days, I feel like it is a scarlet letter if someone is looking close enough. Maybe they see me take a PRN or coloring. Maybe they see that I struggle to get basic things accomplished or have the recorder turned on because it is just to much to listen to the lecture.

Either way, I am barely holding it together. Sure, nothing is outwardly that different, yet inside is a huge mess.

“You are Doing This” : but at what expense.

Constant panic attacks wash over me in waves. My chest starts to hurt and my hands shake. I cannot even begin to process what is going on around me.

This is week four and my body is screaming at me to stop this. To just give up. I want to push and keep pushing. There is the fact that my mind seems to be like a whiteboard that gets erased after each class. I am scared most of the day that something is going to happen. My OCD gets me to school early enough where I can get the same spot.

That is not including the homework and studying. Last night I had a meltdown when I submitted the wrong file for an asssignment on the computer. I freaked out and all I wanted to do was get away.

As I am sitting here this morning, I do not want to be here with all of the people and the noise. I want to be in the quiet of the house. I want to focus on therapy. I do not even want to go to dance at this point. I just want some time alone.

I am doing this on the outside. On the inside I feel like a thousand piece puzzle just falling apart. I need quiet and some time that I do not have. My long term goal is there, yet can I even reach the small goals in between?