Feeling Worthless

My husband and I are looking to move. If I were “normal”, I would have a job and income to use for the paperwork. Unfortunately, my PTSD symptoms are not controlled. I still have panic attacks around people and places that I do not know. My short term memory is messed up. I swear that is from the ECT.

And then there is the feeling of anger that I try to suppress each day so that I can at least get through the day.

Because of the complications from my mental illness, we may just have to stay where we are and I am going to have to learn to be ok with that. It just sucks that I am such a large part of the problem.

Some people would bring up getting damages from my abusers, yet the statute of limitations has passed. It still makes me feel like I am limited each day due to the symptoms of my illness.

No one chooses to be abused as a child or suppress those memories. Yet, it seems like we are blamed when we cannot hold a job or function as everyone else does. We fought a fight that we did not choose, yet we get blamed. Why didn’t you just tell someone or why did you not move out. I wish it were that easy. If I would have told, things would have been much worse. I was frozen for so long. I just did as they said to not rock the boat. It was not really a choice, it was a way to get through each day with the least amount of pain.

I just wish recovery would happen sooner. It just seems to take so long and involve so many aspects of my life. I just have to do what I can. Keep going to the doctors and seeing my therapist. One step at a time!

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Trapped *MAY TRIGGER*

Sitting here thinking about life is challenging. I feel like I need to make a pros and cons list for continuing to go on.

The kids are a big factor. All of the research shows that a child whose parent commits suicide is more likely to do so. I would not want my kids to get into this dark space.

So much has failed including school, losing touch with one of my children, and constant court cases with my ex. All of this has left me drained. I feel alone no matter how many people are in a room. What do I even talk about with people. The kids are a hard subject and school was a disaster.

People do not want to hear about hospital stays and wound care centers. I believe that eating disorder treatment centers are also not at the top of the list. Those are the topics that I know best at this point.

Maybe a better option would be to talk about the diamond paintings that I have done or the garden that my husband is working on. Yet, those topics do not feel like me at this time. One day blends into another.

What to do? Going back to school is going to be rough. I feel like I am on a never ending ride in that department. Keep seeing the kids until they too realize how damaged and flawed I am. Continue to talk about the worst memories of my life in therapy.

This is not the life that I pictured. Not even close. Being a non-custodial parent was something that I did not even know existed. Failing at school because of an illness that I did not choose and is directly related to negative childhood experiences. Living in a neighborhood where I do not feel safe. Even as I write this there are helicopters circling the block.

One day I need to make a choice. I cannot live in between any longer. There needs to be a clear side to work on and pursue.

An Identity Issue ** May Trigger**

Over the years I have had many identifiers that I felt comfortable using. College graduate, stay at home mom, and returning student to name just a few. I did not question them. I knew who I was.

Today, I cannot say the same thing. I am not sure what identifies me anymore. Due to my mental illness, I did not get through 5 days in my field placement. I gave birth to three children., yet I do not consider myself a mom. One of my children has chosen to cut me out of their life and the two others barely see me. I feel like I do not know who they are even though I talk to them throughout the week.

After this falls bout of self harm, I have been left with scars that are very visible. I have seen people stare when I am out in public. I feel like saying at least I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I am not moving very fast. I have found that thoughts of self harm are coming back and I need to address that.

I am wondering where I fit in at this point. Who would accept me as I am these days. I feel damaged and unlovable. My defenses are up and I am leery of what others may think about what they see. This causes me to isolate and the entire cycle of feelings of self harm to begin again. What is one more scar to the many that I have??

The Weather is Just How I Feel!

Rain. Normally an umbrella and windshield wipers and the rain is taken care of for us. What if there is a hole in the roof or the storm drain is blocked? Then the rain seeps into the house and causes problems. Water damage, costly repairs, ruined memories.

That is how I feel right now with my mental health. The more that I try to convince myself to get it together the more it seems to flare up. I hate leaving the house. It’s not just that I am nervous to go places, it is the fear of seeing my abusers.

My biggest motivation are the kids. I need to do well for them. Then it feels like I am ignoring the problem. Therapy is supposed to be a place to air some of this. I feel guarded in therapy. I feel like I am not bad enough to deserve treatment. This has been going on for 12 years. I feel like if I stay guarded enough then no one will ever know how messed up my life really was and I will not have to voice it.

The silence is trapping me in a place that I feel I cannot get out of. The doctor can only do so much. He cannot read minds! If he. If he could that would be worse.

Just a quick note to try and do something nice for yourself on Valentines Day. Read a book, craft, journal, or watch a movie. I need to remember to take my own advice!!

Everything Says No!!!

I am supposed to go to therapy this morning. My clothes are out and I am up. There is just one problem. I do not want to leave the house. To put it another way, thoughts of leaving the house are crippling me right now.

I feel that the people closest to me do not understand. They tell me that they do not want to go anywhere either. This is more than that. My mind feels like it is on pause and that I cannot walk out the door. How am I supposed to focus to drive or even be able to drive.

Sometimes I feel like my problems are minimized. That I should be able to just get over everything. I wished that this illness worked like that. I wish I could just make myself go and all will be ok. I wish that I was not paralyzed with fear.

A Stressful Day Ahead

The holidays!! I like putting up the tree, wrapping presents, and baking. Then there is the part the I don’t particularly like or want to go through. Family visits.

Not that my family is not nice and funny. It is when they ask how I am doing. I want to tell the truth so badly. I dropped out of school, I was in a mental hospital twice, I am almost finished with treatment at the wound care center for the self harm that I did, and oh yeah I do not have my kids because of legal reasons. Meanwhile, they are discussing the successful jobs and normal lives. They have their kids with them and their life is stable.

Nothing like feeling like a complete failure. It does not matter anymore that I graduated with highest honors and a BS. I am not using it.

Their homes are all nice and they live in good areas. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay bills and live in an area that has a reputation for being bad.

I wish that I could just stay home and hide. To not have to see anyone. There would be no panic attacks or stomach pains. I could just be in peace.

Somehow I have to get through the day and put on a happy face while I am flooded with reminders of how messed up my life is. At least I know that there will be an end and I can come home to the cat and the quiet. Wish me luck!!

Being Numb

I have been inpatient countless times when people cried. I think that they are brave and strong to show so much emotion. To let whatever it is go a little at a time.

For myself, crying seems to be elusive. My emotions seem so far away. I hate the question on “How do you feel?” I honestly cannot answer. It is like all of the colors of paint have been mixed up and I cannot pull them apart.

Unfortunately, I come off as cold. People shy away from me because I either look angry or like I want to be left alone. It hurts to know that people are not going to approach me or speak to me. I am left alone. This happens a lot.

In some ways I have learned to live with it. Other days I wish that there were someone to something with. I just go ahead and do things by myself and try to make the most of it.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.