Feeling Separated

Having complex PTSD is so hard. I feel like every program that I have been is focuses on safety and stabilization. That is where the programs that most insurances pay for end. Now, I am supposed to go home by myself and work with my therapist.

Why are there not support groups for us? There are not enough therapists who understand this diagnosis. The result is that there are not enough treatment centers. All I want is to be with other people who need to learn to express themselves. To have a safe way of processing my story and share other’s experiences of life with this diagnosis.

I just want to be able to feel normal. I want to meet others who share these feelings and experiences.

The In Between

Right now is a hard time for me. I feel as if my treatment team feels that I am hopeless. They do not exactly use those words, yet treatment resistant and what is the hospital really going to do for you seem close enough.

I feel in between the living. Just existing. Waking up and going through the day to go to bed. It is like being in auto pilot and is so numbing.

I miss my former psychiatrist. She has moved on to other opportunities, yet none of my current treatment team seems to understand me like she did. She actually met me halfway and did not distance herself. One could tell that she was genuine with her clients.

From not finishing nursing and social work, I know all to well about protocol. Even as a nursing student I would hold vitals if the client needed to talk. What is an extra 5 minutes if it makes someone feel better? What happens when you treat someone with a little bit of individualism?

I miss that about her. It was. It about the clock, but about the person. I could guarantee the appointments were backed up, yet I knew they were that way because someone else needed some extra time that day. I really miss the way she treated me as a patient. I wish that I could find someone that would be willing to do the same!

Being Numb

I have been inpatient countless times when people cried. I think that they are brave and strong to show so much emotion. To let whatever it is go a little at a time.

For myself, crying seems to be elusive. My emotions seem so far away. I hate the question on “How do you feel?” I honestly cannot answer. It is like all of the colors of paint have been mixed up and I cannot pull them apart.

Unfortunately, I come off as cold. People shy away from me because I either look angry or like I want to be left alone. It hurts to know that people are not going to approach me or speak to me. I am left alone. This happens a lot.

In some ways I have learned to live with it. Other days I wish that there were someone to something with. I just go ahead and do things by myself and try to make the most of it.

A surprise #May Trigger#

My ex lives in ahuge house an hour away from me. There is a pool, a swing set, a trampoline, go carts, video games, and all of the other things that kids and teens love.

Last night, my daughter told me that she wanted to come and stay with me this summer. I was shocked that she said that. According to my ex, this will pass. She is only mad at him. I am not so sure about that.

My oldest still thinks about hurting himself. Over the past few times that my kids have stayed, I have noticed my daughter eating less and less. I brought it up to her the other night. She gave me all of the typical excuses. Then I said that it was not about the food, I wanted to know what was going on to make her so upset. She had a look of surprise on her face. She told me that she would talk to me the next time that she came over. 

All of this and I am struggling with thoughts of self-harm. My eating disorder is back and I am trying to use all of my skills. As this is going on, I do not have a psychiatrist until July. My therapist is trying, yet there is only so much that can go on in an hour.

Yesterday, I went to journal a little. I started out thinking that it would just be a couple of lines. It wound up being 6 pages. Then, last night, I saw a picture on someone’s media page from middle school. It brought back the constant days of being bullied by the other students and then going home to an unhealthy house.

It seems like the bullies and abusers can forget what they did. They go on with life and do not look back. On the other side, it is like yesterday for me. The flashbacks and body memories are there. Maybe my abusers really do not remember. Their actions did not hurt or impact them. They said the words or gave the beating and it was over. 

Sometimes, I wish that I could just forget, yet I cannot. Now, I have two kids who need me to be there for them as they go through their own struggles. At least I know that I can be there for them. At least I know they have someone to turn too. The worst thing is feeling alone and isolated.

Feeling Alone

I don’t know what it is. I have a loving husband and people around me that I can talk too, yet I feel alone.

They do not understand what a flashback or panic attack is like. Others do not know that the slightest noise bothers me or that it is a struggle to get up and get going because my mind is fighting itself.

Trying to explain symptoms is hard. Even though others often try, they come up short. This is not going on with their body and mind everyday. Sometimes, they do not understand that I cannot turn it off.

Right now I feel alone. I feel like the only person who got this illness is gone and they are not coming back. Parts feel abandoned. We are trying in therapy, yet sometimes it all just seems like to much.

I have to wait until July to see another psychiatrist. I am scared about needing a med change before then, or even worse for my meds to run out.

Just Plain Tired!!

Just Plain Tired!!

An MRI machine. I am sure that any sick person has had an up close and personal visit with this wonderful invention! Yesterday, I had 2 hours of fun.

Then the fun continued today when I received referrals to two more physicians. As I was trying to relax from that wonderful piece of news and seeing my psychiatrist, I had a phone call informing me that my test results from yet another doctor showed that I am anemic.

I think that anyone who was not going through mental health issues would have a hard time right now. I feel alone, even though I know that I have support. I used to be able to dissociate and at least have a few hours where I could pretend things were good.

Now, between all of the physical and mental stuff I can hardly find the time to schedule all of my doctor’s visits!! At least I am lucky to have some amazing doctors. If it were not for them I think that life would be a lot worse.

They are up front with me about all the tests and what each of their goals are for me.

Then there is my husband. He must be as overwhelmed with all of this news as I am. It is a lot to take in right now. I appreciate the support from all of those people who continue to read and comment on the blog. It means a lot.

One day, this will just be a story. At least I hope it will. I am getting through each day and will try to write often. Sometimes I am just to exhausted to even open the keyboard anymore.