I am supposed to go to therapy this morning. My clothes are out and I am up. There is just one problem. I do not want to leave the house. To put it another way, thoughts of leaving the house are crippling me right now.
I feel that the people closest to me do not understand. They tell me that they do not want to go anywhere either. This is more than that. My mind feels like it is on pause and that I cannot walk out the door. How am I supposed to focus to drive or even be able to drive.
Sometimes I feel like my problems are minimized. That I should be able to just get over everything. I wished that this illness worked like that. I wish I could just make myself go and all will be ok. I wish that I was not paralyzed with fear.
New Year’s resolutions. Everyone makes them. Exercise more, go on a diet, don’t do whatever. My resolution is to try to figure out what my path in life is. I have thought about writing a book. At least a small one about my journey through the courts with my kids.
Group was this morning. Why does everyone want to talk about emotions. If I was comfortable with those I would not need all of the therapy. That would certainly save money.
The holidays were ok. My husband got me some really cool art stuff and a bubble tank. I have been taking advantage of all of the new art supplies!! I love to draw and color. It is relaxing and all of my problems seem to disappear.
I was able to see the kids again after completing all of the steps in the agreement. It was great to have them at the house and to be able to celebrate our Christmas.
So. I am not sure if I have mentioned that I am not a big fan of cooking. I am better at baking. I have found a new love for baking scones. I can put pretty much anything into them that I want. I have iced some and not others. I also made brownies from scratch. They turned out better than the box mix.
Part of me has come to accept that I am on my own path right now. I have to figure out the best route to take. I think that with time, it will come to be. I have a few ideas. Hope that everyone had a great New Year. I am not sure it is about resolutions but getting through one day at a time.
I have been inpatient countless times when people cried. I think that they are brave and strong to show so much emotion. To let whatever it is go a little at a time.
For myself, crying seems to be elusive. My emotions seem so far away. I hate the question on “How do you feel?” I honestly cannot answer. It is like all of the colors of paint have been mixed up and I cannot pull them apart.
Unfortunately, I come off as cold. People shy away from me because I either look angry or like I want to be left alone. It hurts to know that people are not going to approach me or speak to me. I am left alone. This happens a lot.
In some ways I have learned to live with it. Other days I wish that there were someone to something with. I just go ahead and do things by myself and try to make the most of it.
It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises.
Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.
Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.
I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.
I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.
This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.
It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.
Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.
Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?
At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!
Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.
Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.
Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.
The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone. I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.
I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .
Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.
The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.
Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.
I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.
The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.
I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.
This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!
I met with the liaison from the student disabilities office today. She was nice and seemed to think that all of my accommodations could be met next semester. There is still so much doubt that even with the modifications I may not be able to do this. There was a question about extended support. I do not have any. The best that I can do is to email my therapist.
Today, I took a chance and showed my therapist my artwork. He was able to see the maps that we had done and drawings that we have made. We feel like we are on the cusp of a breakthrough. We have been holding so much in for so long. Those that say that we cannot talk or that what we have to say is stupid or will not be believed. Our therapist ensured us again that anything that we say is confidential and acceptable.
I hate driving to this campus. Two years and it will be over. Two years which seem like I surmountable mountains ahead of me. I took a step today and I will take more over the next few weeks.
So much has happened in the pst few weeks. I am sorry for those who follow my blog. The big news is that I have a file placement for the fall semester. The field supervisor must have seen something in me that I did not see myself. I am looking forward to working with someone who is as passionate about mental health and will assist me in channeling my passions in the direction that is accepted in the field.
The other big news is the my husband got his Master’s degree. He is now eligible to do what he has always wanted which is to be a college professor. His graduation and the end of the semester were all stressful. I was not sure if I was going to make it through the last few days and actually missed my classes for the first time because my anxiety level was to high and I was having to many flashbacks. Also, I was not able to sleep.
Since school has ended, I have only gone to my appointments and tried to relax as much as I could. Being off of most devices and email helped. We also went to Florida for a weekend to just be in the sun and watch the sunset. I was able to catch up on some reading by the pool and dinner was right at the same place that we stayed. Florida always seems to calm me down. I swear that the sky and clouds are so different there from where I live.
This week, I have my kids for their summer visit. It has all gone pretty well so far. We invested in a pool membership and that is the best investment of the summer. The kids love the pool and there are other kids their age to play with and have fun with. Not to mention a diving board and a slide. We also went to see a movie together and have just played board games and relaxed.
I am trying to connect more to my feelings in therapy. It is not easy and I have to watch how much I let out in order to not overwhelm myself. My abusers birthdays fell within two weeks of each other which is not easy, yet with each passing year that i do not speak to them, it seems to get a little easier. They are not healthy for me to be around.
Recently the nightmares and flashbacks have become worse. I am seeing my psychiatrist more frequently. I feel like they are not going to end anytime soon. They are something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.
Bathing suit season is upon us and my eating disorder is amped up. Luckily the people at the pool are all sizes which make me feel a little less like everyone is looking at me and staring. Still, the scale seems to be my worst enemy even though I should not follow that, yet make sure that I am healthy.
This weekend should be fun. A birthday and a pool day await. The kids should have fun and we can have fun as a family. The reality is that I am also already reading for next semester. The prospect of a Masters scares me. Am i even good enough to get a Master’s? How will my illness impact my studies? Am I going to be able to keep up? I will find out over the next few months and keep posting how the adventure is unfolding. Warning: Some may be very negative. Ok , to be realistic, all of them may be negative. Life is not always a bed of roses!!
Having PTSD can really stop life in its tracks at times. The flashbacks can be debilitating. Not only do I vividly experience what went on with me, but I am also going through it with my kids.
Then there is trying to do anything. There is a sports event this weekend with a lot of people and noise. All I want to do is run away and never come back. Yet, somehow I have to be here and try to use my coping skills to get through the day.
Sometimes, I feel like things are just getting worse. Like I cannot cope any longer. Then I remember my kids and the fact that I have to fight for them and use every skill that I have for them.
All of the crap I went through as a kid taught me what not to do as a parent. It just seems that every stage the kids go through, more stuff comes up.