What the Doctors Don’t Tell You! * May Trigger*

Asking for help in itself is hard for most of us. Asking for help with the symptoms of a mental illness seems impossible. There is the stereotype that still runs through our society that somehow a person with a mental illness is weak or damaged. That they cannot take care of themselves or have chosen to have this. They are just not fighting enough.

Then a person goes to the doctor. For me, I was told that within 3-5 years that I would feel better. It has been 16 years and I still feel as horrible as on day one. Even to get to the right medications took months. Sometimes the side effects would make me feel worse or cause new symptoms to creep in over the first few weeks. Give the medication time the doctor would say. I do no need time when I know that I feel worse.

My body was no longer my own. It began with the medications. Then came the sleep routines, the mediation, the ECT, and with that the memory loss. My brain was now trapped behind a barrier. I was no longer in the drivers seat. Just a passenger in a car that did not have a final destination.

The doctors do not say that your friends will feel so confused about how to treat you, that many of them will politely bow out of the friendship. They do not say that your spouse will be overwhelmed and feel like they are helpless, causing them to leave. If there are kids and the mental illness is severe enough, the system will make sure that you lose them unless you have 10’s of 1,000’s of dollars. Divorce, loss of children, loss of friends, loss of self, and a constant pressure that just gets worse over time because you are expected to be well. Somehow all of these things miss what the doctor says. Reducing symptoms is sometimes not possible and some people are treatment resistant, causing them to live in limbo.

For me, the doctors missed a lot that I wish that I had known. Maybe I could have prepared myself or at least knew the reality of the future that I was facing. B

The Black Hole that is my Current Situation

I am in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do and seem to be self harming more and more. I thought that I knew what I wanted, now all of those plans have been ripped apart. School is gone for now. Even the hospital really could not help me. I feel like I am at rock bottom with no way to get out. I do not have any hope that things will get better.

I am still not seeing my children. I knew there was a possibility of this when I went inpatient. I just did not know that my ex would be this much of a jerk about every step in the process to get them back.

Now, it looks like I am going to be a part of a DBT group. That will last 6 months. Part of me is like what then. Will I have anymore direction than I do right now? Will there be anything that I will be able to do without becoming angry and full of rage?

I am not sure if my family understands what is going on. We could not make a fall event and now we are not invited to the winter event. I know I am different, I just hate being treated like it by those who should support me. At least a text or a call.

School, work, even just getting through the day is currently hard to nonexistent.

Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

Future? What is there for me? **May Trigger**

I had a 4.0 when I took undergraduate courses in Social Work. After 5 weeks in Graduate School, I have been asked to leave my field placement and the worst case is to be expelled  from the school. I cannot believe I did not even get 10 days to work with students. I keep wondering why I am sitting here now questioning if I should stay in the program at all.

Maybe 13 years of trauma work has done something to me. Do I really see everything in my life through those lenses? I did not think so? I do know boundaries and what mine are as a student. I know that I did not cross boundaries with students and did not violate any ethical rules.

MY self harm thoughts are growing. I really wonder what I have to live for at this point. I cannot fit in with society. What am I going to do. The hospital is the only place where I feel that I am not looked at as some specimen or weird person. In the hospital there are others like me who have know pain and adversity. Out in the real world I cannot seem to find my place. I cannot make friends, I cannot sit in a class without giving my opinion, and currently my thoughts have reached a level where all i want to do is disappear.

Currently my thoughts have doubled as to leave school. I do not know where I would go from there. Maybe try to get the pieces put back together in some order. Maybe read some and include some art work and journaling in my day. Do I need to analyze my position in society and what i am really able to take. I really do not like leaving the house. I especially do not like being somewhere that I feel like anything could happen at any time to get to school. Drug deal, taking drugs, arguments, those with undiagnosed disorders walking around screaming at the closest object to them. Then all of the ambulances that never seem to end during class. I am broken at this point and need time to put things back together in my head and in my life. Maybe my first goal should be to figure out where it would be best for me to live? Right now, I just do not know.

Getting Worse **May Trigger**

It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises. 

Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.

Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.

I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.

I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.

This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.

Week 3 Feels Like Week 12🙁

It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.

Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.

Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?

At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!

Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.

Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.

I Wish I Had Something Happy to Write

Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, Etc. Pick a negative word and I can probably relate to it at this point. This semester is sucking everything out of me and I am not even through the first month of school. I am seriously considering if I have taken on to much. Can I really handle this at this time.

The topics that we are talking about are not happy. The pictures are raw and uncensored. Professor accounts are to detailed. Having to walk to some of the campus is hurting my body so badly that when I do make it to class the only thing that I want to do is rest. Other classmates are loud and I cannot deal with the conversations that are going on around me.

There is still the stuff to be done out of class. Readings, papers, and projects. Then there is all of the things to do for home and for my dance class that I teach. Add it all up and it all turns into one big mess.

Medication is not going to help this. There is not a break for weeks. I cannot keep going like this without a major meltdown. Then thinking about a meltdown causes me to plummet even farther down the rabbit hole. If I have to go into the hospital, I lose time with my kids and have to jump through hoops just to begin to see them again. Then I am concerned that my ex would not follow the agreement yet again and I would not see the kids for even longer.

Have I reached a bottom that I cannot pull myself out of at this point? Maybe I have.

 

 

Doctor Overload

**May Trigger**

 

When did going to the doctor’s become a part-time job? That is how I feel anymore. From the therapist and psychiatrist to the rheumatologist, pain doctor, neurologist, and internist, I feel that someone should get something right.

Nine years. That is how long I  have been going to therapy. It always seems like something has triggered one of my parts or my PTSD. I feel like therapy is never long enough and I cannot get what I want out. There are things in my past that I have yet to work on and they just seem to build up.

Then there is the psychiatrist. MY doctor is amazing. Yet, I feel so drained after a second session. For some reason my parts really like her and want to talk to her, yet I feel guilty right now because parts want to draw, yet cannot find the time or a way to do it. They feel trapped with everything else that is going on.

My internist is leaving and I get to get yet another new doctor. I guess I will see if this doctor thinks that all my illnesses are in my head. I am hoping the new doctor is open-minded and takes the results of all of the physical tests seriously. I feel that doctor’s are too quick to blame my mental illness when the physical evidence is right in front of them. Not just in words, but also in pictures.

Then there is the fact that I am just plain tired of all of the testing. How many EKG’s is it going to take with abnormal results before someone does something. I have had over 5 by the way. Anemia keeps coming up, yet none of my doctor’s is treating it. I may not be locked behind the doors of an institution, however; my mental illness is the first thing that the doctors seem to want to know about. I am tired of doctor’s asking me how I came to have PTSD. Some even going as far as to ask what type of abuse? How does this relate to my knee hurting or an MRI that shows abnormalities of my spine?

Sometimes, I feel like I am invisible to regular medical doctor’s. They read my chart and I become some type of sick experiment. If I was not mentally ill, would they take my test results more seriously or would I get different treatment? Sometimes I think so.

So, in the tradition of appointments. I have a biopsy next week along with therapy, I just want some of this to end. No one would want this. I know that I don’t. I am trying to find answers to what I fear is not able to be answered. Therapy is great, yet it cannot take away my memories. Everything cannot be solved with a prescription. Sometimes things are the way they are and the doctor needs to understand that!!

So Tired!

Last night I went out with my husband. Nothing major, a surprise dinner for Valentine’s Day. I love that he thinks of me and is so supportive of me. I am lucky that he accepts me for who I am.

Today, I have slept most of the day. I did not wake up until noon, ate lunch, and then went back to sleep until about an hour ago. This is what I dislike about my illness. The way I am tired all the time, the way my joints ache, the way I have to scream into my pillow to change positions when I sleep at night.

As I am writing this, I feel like I can go back to sleep. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a pain doctor. Is the doctor going to worry about my pain or blame my pain on my mental illness. I will write more tomorrow with how the appointment went. Until then!!