The Black Hole that is my Current Situation

I am in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do and seem to be self harming more and more. I thought that I knew what I wanted, now all of those plans have been ripped apart. School is gone for now. Even the hospital really could not help me. I feel like I am at rock bottom with no way to get out. I do not have any hope that things will get better.

I am still not seeing my children. I knew there was a possibility of this when I went inpatient. I just did not know that my ex would be this much of a jerk about every step in the process to get them back.

Now, it looks like I am going to be a part of a DBT group. That will last 6 months. Part of me is like what then. Will I have anymore direction than I do right now? Will there be anything that I will be able to do without becoming angry and full of rage?

I am not sure if my family understands what is going on. We could not make a fall event and now we are not invited to the winter event. I know I am different, I just hate being treated like it by those who should support me. At least a text or a call.

School, work, even just getting through the day is currently hard to nonexistent.

Where do Go From Here?

For over 10 years my life has consisted of hospitals, therapists, psychiatrists, med changes, and everything else that has surrounded my mental health. It has been hard to relate to other people who have moved on with their lives or even just have a job. Also, due to my  mental illness, I only have visitation with my kids and it is limited.

I have thought about going back to school. Once again I am at an impass as to whether I do what I like or what I can get hired into. Right now, I just do not know. Taking my medication each day and not self-harming is still a struggle. What to do with my life seems like an impossible question to answer.

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to go out of the house more. It has not worked. I know that my home is safe and I like that I know that if I stay in the house I will not see my abuser. Leaving the house means a chance to run into abusers as well as dissociate and get into an accident.

So, where do I go. Do I take baby steps and maybe take a craft class or do I jump back into school with both feet and try that again? I am just confused and overwhelmed!!

Just Plain Tired!!

All things happen in threes! At least that is the saying anyway. I guess the first would be the cat needing surgery. She is a huge part of my husband’s and my life,  so we went ahead and had the operation. Complications followed. I am happy to say she is back to her normal self. Waiting at the food bowl, wanting to curl up with us, and even playing with her toys.

Then, our plumbing has decided that it needs work. We called a plumber and that will be fixed in the next couple of weeks.

The other day, was the third event. We noticed that our air conditioning unit was leaking. We thought that it was just a clogged condensation line. No, it could not be that simple. We found out that the previous owner had made his own collection tray and that it had a crack in it. We were told by more than one repairman that we need a new central air unit.

Well, up until then , I had handled things pretty well. Sure, I was not happy that all of these strange people were coming in the house or that my routine was totally off. I lost it yesterday. No air conditioning and my fibromyalgia do not mix very well. I was already having some symptoms of pain and exhaustion. Now the pain is worse and I can barely get off the couch.

Thanks to my husband, we now have window units that are keeping the house cool!! He is amazing and I do not know what I would do without his support. He installed the last AC unit at 9pm last night and had to go to work this morning. He wanted to make sure that I did not feel any worse. True love!!

Then there is therapy. I am struggling with impulses right now. Things are going well. How come the nightmares have to come or the panic attacks. Yet, for some reason I have come to accept that those are part of my life. I cannot turn off my past.

What is hard is knowing that I now have people in my life who are there because they want to be. Not because they want something from me or are using me. My abusers used me, my ex-husband used me, and I have had “friends” in the past who have used me. Needless to say, I have issues with trust and I always feel like the people around me are going to leave me. Even today, my parents only come around when my kids are at the house. During this week, when everything seemed to be crashing around me, they were not even there.

I am also trying to work on my own self-esteem. I did not realize how low my self-esteem was. I guess that is all a part of accepting what happened to be and the effects that it has had on me. I will save the details for another post. I will say that it has affected all aspects of my life.

The good news is that I try to keep pushing on. I think I am going to go back to school. We will see how that works out!! After my last try at work, I have realized that my body can only handle so much and after some research I think I have decided on a path to go. It feels good to make a decision that is mine and that I am accepted for. My husband is 100% on board.

This week is back to school for the kiddos. I am excited that my oldest is starting middle school. This is a new beginning for him and he seems to be really into the fact that he will have a locker for the first time and that he will get to meet new people. Then there are my elementary school kids. They get to meet their teacher’s on Friday and see their classrooms. As pumped as I am, I know that I have struggled with communication from school for as long as the kids have been at the school. I am prepared this year for another year of being ignored and having to go over to the school to make it known that I am involved in my kids lives and want to know what is going on.

My kids are going through so much right now. Their dad is dating a women who has kids. My kids feel pushed to the side and hurt. They call me and talk about what is bothering them. I am glad that they feel so open toward me about their feelings. I just wished that I could do more. There are some days that I just want to drive over there and get them. It brings up a lot of horrible feelings and memories from my past. I just need to keep the two separated.

Back to Looking

Back to looking for a job. My husband thinks that I should think about working from home.

I am thinking about he daycare or medical billing. I just do not know if I can go through years of college again.

Next week I am going to start again. This weekend I am focusing in my husband and family. They are the most important in my life!!

I want to, yet they do not think I can

I have had a job as an aide in a childcare center for two days. Before being hired, I had to get a form filled out by my doctor. The form had about my mental illness along with my fibromyalgia and nerve problems.

Today I walked into the building with my cane and clocked in after being handed my time card by the assistant director. I punched my time card and then the owner stated that I could not work today because I had a cane and could not chase after the kids.

My husband is telling me to go into work tomorrow, cane or not. I just feel like with the tasks that I am being asked to do, I am going to need the cane because it exacerbates my leg and knee pain. It is beginning to feel like I am not going to be able to have a job. I may have a cane, yet I can still be a productive employee.