Where Has a Month Gone???

It has been a month since I have written. In that month, I have even more pain. It was determined that my fibromyalgia is getting worse again. Even doing the dishes and folding laundry hurts my back to the point that I cannot stand.

EMDR seems to be gradually helping. At least I can remember events from the past that are pretty neutral. It is better than not remembering anything. After each session, I seem to remember a little more. I am afraid when some of the more intense events begin to come up.

So Confused

I have so many questions about who I am. For so many years, I did what others told me too or believed what they wanted me to do.

I have been going through EMDR for about a month now. The provider is familiar with DID and actually does EMDR with patients who primarily have that diagnosis.

Right now, I am struggling with my sexuality. At this point, I have no desire to really be intimate with anyone. I would like companionship, yet I do not want sex. I am realizing that I have used sex as a way to self harm. That is scary. I am working on that.

I am still struggling with eating as well. Cooking is triggering to me and I do not like the kitchen. I have made due with a diet that does not involve cooking. Sometimes I miss the foods that I used to have. Another thing to work on I guess.

I have a lot to work on right now and I just feel like things take so long to feel less impactful than they start out.

A Terrible Day

Thank goodness for my emotional support animal today. I am having such a hard time with every little thing. I message my therapist everyday to make sure that I have taken my medications.

I had vegan to forget to take my afternoons on mass and began to see shadows. Thanks to her I have been back on track and am no longer seeing those. They were scary.

Eating is another issue. The kitchen is a trigger for me. Luckily, I have found that having small snacks where I do not have to cook seem to be working. I miss my ex husband’s cooking. I wish that I was not so scared of the kitchen, yet my past has a large impact on that.

The talk of possibly going into a mental health long term care facility has come up. For the first time my therapist said to focus on the fall and we can discuss it later. It scares me and yet somehow there’s is also a relief of not having to struggle with everyday activities.

I am just going day be day right now. I hope that I can continue to push through.

Disappointed

When I was first diagnosed in 2004, I thought that one hospitalization and I would be better. Instead, I continued to go downhill. Three years later, I lost my marriage and a couple years later I lost custody of my kids.

I met a great man and married again. I thought that I could go back to school and go back to work. I thought that determination was enough. Again, I was wrong. My husband and I grew apart. By the time I had a date and a plan to end it all, I went across the country in the hopes to get treatment that would allow me to be “normal”.

Two years later, my doctor has said that living by myself and doing activities of daily living is where I am at. I am so disappointed with myself, yet I am told that my history is one of the worst that the doctors have seen.

That is not what I want to hear. It is hard to have these symptoms. I guess I just have to be patient and take things slowly and see what happens.

Life is a Whirlwind

It has been so long since I have written and my life has changed so much. First, my husband and I separated. The symptoms that my Complex PTSD were just to much. I was always anxious. I constantly had to know where he was and at times i did not trust him even though he had not done anything to warrant than feeling. We wound up sleeping in different rooms and growing apart more and more each day.

Then there was my mental health. I was going days without bathing and binge eating. I was gaining weight and I did not care. I shut myself off from the world including not leaving the house except to go to the doctors.

Finally, in September of last year, I was given the opportunity to go to Sierra Tucson. There is a sign when driving up to the gate that says you are a miracle. After 30 days there I realized that the treatment there was actually working and that I was more conscious of my behaviors than I had been in a long time. This treatment center saved my life. I will write about my experience as well as about my current life over the next few weeks. I am happy to be back.

Will Things Get Better???

Until this September I was lucky. I had people who at least seemed to live and support me. I had not experienced hunger, cold, or fear of not having a roof over my head. Over the past two weeks I have experienced all of this.

I have learned the importance of support. Right now, my ex husband is doing the best that he can. He has his own bills, worries, and challenges. When I almost was out on the street, he made sure that I had a roof over my head. What I have not told him is how I am often so hungry right now because I cannot afford food. I do not want him to feel that he needs to assist to assist me anymore that he already does.

I began talking to my mom again before things went rapidly downhill and my apartment that I thought I was moving into refused me after I had an anxiety attack. She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and once again brought up every mistake I have made since I was in my early teens. My other family does not communicate with me either.

For now, I am in a hotel until Friday morning. I have never been so unsure of my future. I have been given a perspective that is changing the way that I think and see life. If I ever get my life together and have extra space, I will search for someone who needs some empathy. Even though I have a mental illness I do not qualify for most group homes or sober living. The later because I am not addicted to a substance and the former because even though I have a mental illness, I am functioning at to high a level. I know that there has to be some one else out there going through the same thing.

I am crossing my fingers that I will find a place. I am discouraged. The stress is causing my symptoms to increase. My IBS and anxiety are increasing by the day. As I sit here typing this on my phone, my stomach is growling and I am worried about a roof over my head. In some ways I am glad that I am beginning to understand and experience what so many other people that I have met have gone through.

Oppression at It’s Finest: APARTMENT TELLS ME I CAN NO LONGER REBT AFTER HAVING ANXIETY ATTACK FROM BEING TRIGGERED!!!

Last week I was supposed to move into an apartment. The credit and background check had been finished and the apartment had been approved for over a month. After calling twice that day about appointment times, I went to the apartment at 4pm. I took an Uber since me car was late shipping across the country. When I arrived, I went to the building marked with the signs for the office. All of my things were unloaded and I went to go into the office. The office was closed. I called and found out that the main office was being renovated and I had to go to a different t section of the building. The pa ice began at that point. I had my emotional support animal, 2 suitcases, and seven other bags. There was no way I was making it across the complex. Luckily, a kind couple who were residents of the complex offered to assist me. They packed up all of the bags and luggage and drove me across the complex to the office. It would up being 0.3 miles.

Once in the office, I was asked for a number for the electricity. I had no clue what they were talking about. By this time my anxiety and panic had reached the point where my mind was shutting down. I was shaking and sweat was dripping down me. I asked the staff to call the electric company. That I could not handle doing this. I have not left the house in 14 years and could not handle anything else at 4 in the afternoon. She insisted that it was my call to make. She did give me the number and I was put on hold. By this time the fear was overwhelming and I was so scared that if I did not get the number that I would not have a roof over my head. I am 2200 miles from what I know and I may have no where to live was just running though mind.

By this point the fight, flight, or freeze response took over. I yelled that I could not handle anymore and went outside to try and get my thoughts together. I called the electric company again and finally realized where I had written down the number that they had given me. I went back in and gave the number.

There was a staff member in the back and I heard $1000 dollars and dog in reference to my emotional support animal. That was the last straw and I began to yell. I was sitting down the entire time. The complex wanted the letter, yet the letter had my diagnoses on it and I was terrified that at this point they would reject me. I said that I was uncomfortable giving them a page with my diagnoses on it because I was worried they would use it against me. Finally, they let me talk to my husband. I never cry and I began to cry because this was all to much.

I had sent them a photo of my emotional support animal and I mistakenly believed that they would understand the letter. They told me that it was my fault. That on November 1st they had called and I told them that I no longer had the pet. I was in treatment at that time and my cat was to sick to travel. The letter was dated November 25th for my current emotional support animal. I did not lie like I was accused of.

After getting off the phone with my husband I sent the complex the letter after they had to give me a card with their email address on it. The apartment manager then came over and handed me the copy of my letter telling me that they were no longer going to rent me the apartment because I was threatening her staff.

I could not believe this. The agent working with me was ready for me to sign the form and I was trying to say that the only way that I would sign was if they would accept the letter. The manager gave me the form for the apartment for my psychiatrist which I did not have an appointment with until January to fill out. Normally a doctor want to meet with you a couple of times before giving a letter and I had a letter. She told me to take an Uber. An Uber to where? I had checked out of the hotel that I had spent a week in. I have no one in the area because I am new here and everyone is 2200 miles away. I sat on the curb for an hour trying to determine what I was going to do. Finally I called an Uber and went to the first hotel near the complex.

The next day they called and complained that packages had arrived for me at the complex. I was supposed to be in my apartment. I have nothing. I needed basic supplies. I do not have a car and am on a fixed income. Currently I am back in a hotel. I have no clue what is going to happen or where I am going to live. I admit I yelled, yet the only time I ever got up it was to go outside. In fact I had my emotional support animal on my lap I an attempt to calm down and try to breath. Now I am scared that I will be homeless because I cannot afford to keep living in a hotel.

An Emotional Support Animal

https://gofund.me/2bb1f4d7

In another month I am leaving my current IOP program and am moving across the country. While I am looking forward to a larger trauma community and a support system, I am also scared.

I need to leave my fur baby back at home due to health issues with my girl. The neighborhood where I am moving does have issues with break ins and vandalism. As much as I love cats, I have decided that it would be best that I return to a dog. I plan on rescuing a young or adult dog that I connect too.

The apartment policy for a cat or dog is a $500 refundable deposit along with a $200 one time fee. If you have been following my blog, I am on social security. That does not leave me with that kind of money.

Yesterday, I created a Go Fund Me. I am hoping for any amount of donation in order to reach $1000. Any amount over $700 will go to the first vet visit along with flea and tick prevention. The dog will also needheart worm medication .

This will help my PTSD by not only having a companion but also be able to alert me to any trouble or person that may be outside of my apartment. Nights are hard for me and I would appreciate the companionship as well. Please consider donating a small amount of money if at all possible. I know that times are tough, yet $5 will add up. Thank you in advance.

Sierra Tucson: Copper Sky

Copper Sky is a newer building at Sierra Tucson. Each room has two beds, two desks, and a bathroom for two people. While there I was able to have mindfulness hour at night. For me, that meant a craniosacral massage at night plus some time in a zero gravity chair. I had never had a massage before and it relaxed myself as well as others inside.

The food was like it was made at home. We had fresh fruit everyday. There was lasagna, macaroni and cheese, steak, steamed fresh vegetables, cookies, and even dishes for vegetarians. Everyday there was something new on the menu.

Around 9-10 am we went for a walk on the nearby track. I saw so many butterflies, gray deer, and even a bay rattlesnake that was relocated to a location that was more remote. DBT and CBT groups were held as well. On the weekends we were able to watch TV. While in Copper Sky there were only 5 patients assigned to each nurse.

The staff were amazing and supportive. Even in triage the doctors were individualized for what our individual treatment plans were. For me trauma and eating recovery were my tracts while I was there. Thanks to the treatment team, my stay there was helpful and was a great way to become acclimated to Sierra Tucson.

Wow!! What an Experience

Sierra Tucson was always out of my financial reach. I first saw Sierra Tucson on an episode of Intervention. When they showed the update, the individual looked healthier and were glowing. Seven years later, I received the opportunity to experience this treatment center for myself. For the next few posts or more I will be letting everyone know about my journey and my hope for the future so that anyone who has been through a mental illness and is struggling can have an opportunity.

When I arrived at the gates the first day there was a sign: “Expect a Miracle.” At the time I was skeptical, yet this treatment center was supposed to be different. After getting into triage I was given a gift bag and a water bottle. The gift bag included some wonderful self care products. All of the nurses and staff immediately put me at ease. They let me know exactly what they were doing and allowed me time to answer questions and talk about why I was there.

After getting a wristband, I was taken back into a unit called Copper Sky. It had twenty patient rooms with their own bathroom. In the past I had shared two showers with 20 people. Juice, enhanced water, coffee, tea, milk, and milk substitutes were available throughout the day. At mealtimes, the dining staff brought out what tasted to me like homemade meals. Lasagna, steak, chicken, fresh vegetables, fruit, smoothies. I had never seen anywhere like this before. The start of my journey at Sierra Tucson gave me the hope for a different and challenging experience that I never had.