Moving on With Life (May Trigger)

After learning that I would not be able to get my service dog, I was more than a tad upset.

For some reason, I think that it is actually a good thing. I was unable to finish nursing school due to my physical symptoms. I am lucky though I do have a BS and can use that to try to move on. So, I have picked myself up from feeling sorry for me and started to look at college programs that I can do and that are right for me. It is a tad overwhelming, yet it has given me something to do.

My eating disorder so wants to act on itself with all of this stress. Most days I am strong enough to resist the temptation to act on my symptoms, yet there are others where I do give in. This leaves me feeling powerless, yet I am not giving up the fight and continue to go to the support group and be honest. Finding others with the same symptoms has helped me to learn some new skills and to meet new people.

Therapy is hard right now. My PTSD symptoms of hypervigilence and nightmares are going strong. Right now it seems that I need to make a decision about whether or not to continue to talk and communicate with my abusers. The decision is not easy. I have journals, made lists, talked and talked and yet I am still struggling. My abusers have been in my life ever since I could remember. They are not always the evil people who some of my parts remember. There were times when they were nice and were there for me. Right now though, I am an adult and still feel like a small child whenever they come around. So, what to do. If I cut them out of my life, then I can start to become independent and start to grow. If I keep them in my life, the same cycle continues. The biggest problem is that they always said that they were the only ones who would always be there for me. That has been true on some occasions, yet I have to trust that my husband and friends will be there if I really need them. I know that I would be there for them.

The abuse has to stop. Maybe the physical abuse stopped years ago, but the mental abuse is still happening every day. I feel like I am a hostage at this point and dread their phone calls. I feel like I cannot say no. I have to do what they want me to or I risk making them upset.

So, I guess I have made my decision. How to follow through? Am I really ready to give up the security blanket that I have had for so long? Am I stong enough?

I guess over the next few days and weeks I will see. I have a great therapist who is taking all  of this in stages. My therapist has seen the damage that my abusers have inflicted and is an advocate for me. There is so much work to do. Mentally it is draining at times. I know that I can do it. I just do not know if all parts are on board. There are younger ones that are so scared and it is causing chaos within my system. Time will tell!!

Disappointed

Ever since January, I have been looking forward to getting a service dog. I could walk better and was less anxious with the dog, not to mention all of the other symptoms that he would be able to help with.

My husband tried to get a loan. We just learned last night that it would be to much.

I am upset about the loan, yet I guess that I was naive. I really thought that friends and family would help out during this time. I realize that everyone is stressed financially, but a couple of dollars would have gone a long way. Helping me, would have helped not only me but my family. My kids were so excited that I could walk better.

A page had been set up for donations. Apparently, not a single person gave. It makes me feel invisible. A service dog is not covered by insurance, yet is not a luxury if it improves your quality of life. I hope that one day insurance changes. Maybe another person will not have to go without help!

Where Has The Time Gone?

I did not even realize how long it has been since my last post!!

My cat is healing from surgery. It has been quite a month with her. A simple surgery turned into Pet ER visits more vet visits and a pretty miserable kitty for a few weeks. She is now back to begging for food and her hair is growing in. No more kitty cone!!

My car is finally back and better than before the accident. The more important part is that I can get to therapy and groups!!

The kids are doing well. Their dad has started to date someone with kids and they are feeling upset about him spending his time with someone else. At least they have continued to open up to me! I guess that I have not done a completely horrible job as a mom.

Stress has crept up on me and I am acting on my Eating Disorder. Not everyday, but most days. I wish that I could just stop, but it is not that easy.

I have started to apply for jobs. All have rejected me. I will be the first to admit that my work history is horrible. Someone is really going have to want to take a chance on me to hire me. I am just waiting patiently for that person.

I was able to see my service dog in training at the organizations annual picnic. It was so freeing to be able to walk with him and have him by my side! I cannot wait until my formal training with hm.

Other than the above, my mother had a birthday. I barely survived the day, yet I got through it. I am debating over what kind of relationship that I really want with her because I know that the current one is not healthy for me.

Well, that is it for now. I am sure that I left something out. I need to get better at doing this more often. Again thanks to everyone for the support, esp. when my cat was sick. It really helped.