Touched Home *May Trigger*

The other week I was sent an article that was written by a person whose mother had two stillborn children. My own mother had two stillborn children.

I could relate to the feeling that they were there even though they were not physically present. Having to live up to a standard ideal of who they would have been, yet never were. Living with two ghosts.

In my case I did not have a sibling like the author of the article. I was expected to be perfect and act perfect. To get good grades and do what the other two children would have done had they been there.

Sometimes it was a nightmare. Being beaten over a B on a test or being told that I was not good enough and was a mistake to have. Until this day they are idealized to the point that I have been alienated.

I am not perfect! I have been inpatient in mental hospitals. I have not gone on to do all of the great things that the other two children would have done. I cannot change who I am and am realizing that I will not live up to the ideals that my parents had for them and expected from me.

A Big Leap

Well, we have finally done it! We are moving to a quieter and safer neighborhood. My husband is bringing home boxes to pack. It is exciting and scary. I wonder if people will be friendly and if we will be accepted. I will soon find out.

I seem to be more worried about the stress on the cat than anything else. She is going to go to a new home and she does not like change. At least she will be with us and we can keep her on her schedule.

The kids father is already making a big deal out of this. I hope that it can be worked out without court, yet the track record shows that he prefers the expensive legal route.

Any moving tip or tricks to make moving less stressful and easier are welcome. Thanks in advance.

Another Week

The kids visit is ending and my husband is back to working full time. After the beginning of the week, I will be by myself.

I hate being in my own head and all of the flashbacks that I get. I have been practicing mindfulness at night which seems to help a little. I also do not want to have to fight my ex for my kids.

The house is still sitting here. I feel like it is the same comment over and over. The house is nice yet we decided to go with another one. I am beginning to feel that I will not be able to get out of here!!

Keeping the house clean to show also is not fun. Laundry has been a challenge also with all of the pet hair. I feel like I am cleaning the same place multiple times a day. At least people still want to see it.

We will see how my self harm impulses are after the kids are gone. I have a feeling they are going to increase rapidly.

When???

I have wanted to leave all of the triggers behind from the neighborhood that I live in. I thought that all of the upgrades would have sold our house. Turns out, no one wants it!

I am scared that I am going to be stuck her and I am not sure that I can handle that.

The kids are visiting. Things they do just remind me of how much I miss everyday. Hopefully when they are older they will choose for me to be there.

Sleep has been elusive. I think it is from the work I am trying to do in therapy.