Only 4 more weeks. You are doing this. Remember what your long term goal is. All words of encouragement and I know that I am lucky to have them.
The only problem is that at this point I cannot see through the haze of PTSD. Two of my classes bring issues up that are either upsetting or invalidating. Race is a huge topic in one of my classes along with oppression. I think of all of the opportunities and other things that I have lost because of mental illness. There are places that I will never be able to work, I have lost custody of my kids and only have visitation, I take medication everyday just to function,yet when I go to a doctor are a blazing red flag that I have a mental illness. Then there is the other invisible diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. Pain that shoots from my spine to my feet, memory issues, more medication, and the sometimes visible limp that happens on the really bad days.
Both illnesses are tiring physically and mentally. There is nowhere left to push. I feel like I cannot walk another step forward. I just want to go to my doctor’s and try to work out everything that is going on.
I know that I have papers and I need to go to class. My body is going through the motion, yet my mind is a million miles away. Thoughts turn to the child who does not want to see or talk to me. The divide that seems to be growing larger between my other two children and myself. The constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm that draw me in and have the comfort of bringing release from all of the outside world.
Sure, I look like everyone else on the outside. I go to class and take notes. All the while thinking about why I am even doing this. Looking forward, I do not see life getting better. I see additional court battles and nightmares that I do not want to face, yet need to if I am going to keep moving forward.
Physically and mentally, I have reached the breaking point. Life does not seem worth it. It is to much of a struggle to not get anywhere or even feel like I am going in reverse.
Yesterday, I had an exam and completely blanked. Not unusual, I know that everyone does that. Mine was due to the flashbacks that I was having. The old nightmares that haunt my day as well as my night.
Right now, I need to find something to pull me out of this enough to finish this semester. I am not sure what that is at this point. I feel lost and alone.