A Tough Day

Another court date today. This time for child support. I am missing my class and a quiz today. I have paid my support on time for over 8 years. Now, he believe that he deserves more.

If more would be ordered I do not know if I could afford to see my kids. Where would the money come from? I am worried about what he might bring up today and how it will go.

People keep telling me that it is only for scheduling, yet I still have to be in the same room with him again fighting for what is right. 

I just keep telling myself that it is less than 7 years now until my youngest turns 18. At that that point child support will end and maybe I can breath. Today is not that day. Maybe things will work out! One can always hope.

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Exhausted 

I am so glad that I get a little break with the upcoming holiday. I get to see my kids and decorate the house. Little for Christmas.

As of right now, all my body wants to do is sleep. I am mentally and physically exhausted.I just want to sleep and have some rest. This semester and the topics that have been covered have been rough.

Maybe this has prepared me for next semester. Right now, my body is tired and had had enough. It is fighting to stay awake and alertt for class.

Being physically and mentally spent sucks!! There is a large part of me that just wants to go home and sleep. The memories have been overwhelming. Nightmares are almost nightly. I feel unsafe wherever I go. I need a break!!

Someone Upstairs is Watching

I have a few more weeks of school and I feel that I am hanging on by a thread. Last week I asked for help from some relatives that are no longer on this earth. I do not remember one of my tests, yet somehow I passed. Maybe they are given me the strength that I need to get through until break!

My teenage son just realized that I sleep with the lights in last night. He was surprised to see me in bed with the lights on. I told him that I am scared of being in a dark room by myself. He did not need to know why.

I was lucky to have a few people that I could trust and cared about me in my life when I was little. They still give me strength to this day.

There is Nowhere Left to Push **May Trigger**

Only 4 more weeks. You are doing this. Remember what your long term goal is. All words of encouragement and I know that I am lucky to have them.

The only problem is that at this point I cannot see through the haze of PTSD. Two of my classes bring issues up that are either upsetting or invalidating. Race is a huge topic in one of my classes along with oppression. I think of all of the opportunities and other things that I have lost because of mental illness. There are places that I will never be able to work, I have lost custody of my kids and only have visitation, I take medication everyday just to function,yet when I go to a doctor are a blazing red flag that I have a mental illness. Then there is the other invisible diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. Pain that shoots from my spine to my feet, memory issues, more medication, and the sometimes visible limp that happens on the really bad days.

Both illnesses are tiring physically and mentally. There is nowhere left to push. I feel like I cannot walk another step forward. I just want to go to my doctor’s and try to work out everything that is going on. 

I know that I have papers and I need to go to class. My body is going through the motion, yet my mind is a million miles away. Thoughts turn to the child who does not want to see or talk to me. The divide that seems to be growing larger between my other two children and myself. The constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm that draw me in and have the comfort of bringing release from all of the outside world.

Sure, I look like everyone else on the outside. I go to class and take notes. All the while thinking about why I am even doing this. Looking forward, I do not see life getting better. I see additional court battles and nightmares that I do not want to face, yet need to if I am going to keep moving forward.

Physically and mentally, I have reached the breaking point. Life does not seem worth it. It is to much of a struggle to not get anywhere or even feel like I am going in reverse. 

Yesterday, I had an exam and completely blanked. Not unusual, I know that everyone does that. Mine was due to the flashbacks that I was having. The old nightmares that haunt my day as well as my night.

Right now, I need to find something to pull me out of this enough to finish this semester. I am not sure what that is at this point. I feel lost and alone.

The String has Officially Broken

My husband is unable to use one leg and is recovering from surgery, the cat is officially sick and on medication, I have some type of respiratory thing going on. All I want to do is rest.

I cannot do that though. I have a conference this weekend, a midterm next week and two papers to do. That is not including all of the housework that I am behind on because I have not been home to do anything. 

I just want some time to rest. I wish that I had parents or a brother or sister that I could ask for help at a time like this. Instead it is just me and somehow I will have to get all of this done. 

Hopefully, whatever this is can be taken care of with an antibiotic and ina couple of days I will feel better. About 5 weeks of school to go before break!! Somehow I need to get through this. Some of me just wants to take the easy way out, yet we have a safety contract with our doctor’s.

A Different Normal

Being tired and having to push through a class. Recording every class because I have missed half of the notes because I have dissociated. 

Having to park in a handicapped space on campus because I cannot walk the entire way. Scheduling classes so that I will have the time that I need to mentally rest or go see the doctor.

This has become my new normal. I did not ask for it, yet it is there. I have had to figure out a new way to study. A new way to attend class so that I will not run out. Where I feel safe on campus.

Before I was ill, I could go anywhere and walk as much as I wanted. I could read something once and remember it or I could write a paper coherently. I could walk across campus and back again. 

Now I have to plan where I am going to go. Walking hurts and adds to the exhaustion. 

There are some positives. I am passing all of my classes, I still see my kids, and I have support. I do not know where I would be without that support. Every time that I am down, they have encouraged me to get  back up and focus on the end goal. I wonder if the end goal is ever going to happen. Then, suddenly, another day has gone by and then another. 

I have to admit, I am looking forward to winter break!! I am exhausted. I can catch up on sleep and journaling. Maybe even color a little before the semester and the stress start all over again!

What a Change!!

I woke up this morning and like everyone else saw that Donald Trump had won the election. I try to stay out of politics as much as possible. 

This is different. He wants to take away the rights of groups that have fought for rights for years. Women, mentally ill, minorities, and other people who do not fit his idea of America. I am concerned by what freedoms will be taken away from us. How will we be treated when the acceptance disappears slowly before us.

The only thing that I can do is to take it one day at a time and to fight where I can. E-mails, phone calls, letters: anything to make a person take a second look at what their decision really means.

Today, I am truly worried for people. Do we have to go back into hiding and go behind closed doors. Are we going to be put into institutions because we are different or denied service.

Please, for those of you who are in any category that Trump deems “wrong” support each other. It is the only way that we are all going to get through this. By becoming one voice and standing up for one another we have power.

A Tough Choice

At this point my brain and my body are not in sync. I would love to stay up all night and be able to study, yet I am exhausted by 8:30 and ready to go to sleep. My brain wants to dance and do the show. My body is telling me that it is exhausted. The knee pain, the exhaustion, the memory problems.

I know I have to give something up. That cannot be school right now. School means a future. I love teaching the kids dance and have made a commitment to them to have them look their best in their show. 

I have to go to therapy and to the doctor. I am no where near well. In fact I am teetering on the edge of going inpatient every week it seems because of my eating disorder.

My dance class is the only thing that I can take off of my plate. I do not get out of school until after 7 pm and there is not time to decompress before getting home, quickly changing and trying to go to class. All I think about is the work that I could be doing and how I will not get home until 10 and then have issues falling asleep.

Then the next day, I struggle at school. I have to end the cycle. I love dancing. It is the one thing that I have that relieves stress and who have the people around me that I know.

Yet, I want to be a Social Worker and assist children in whatever way that I can. In order to really move on with the present, I literally have to let go of the past and the comfort of the studio. It is not an easy decision☹️️