Wow!! What an Experience

Sierra Tucson was always out of my financial reach. I first saw Sierra Tucson on an episode of Intervention. When they showed the update, the individual looked healthier and were glowing. Seven years later, I received the opportunity to experience this treatment center for myself. For the next few posts or more I will be letting everyone know about my journey and my hope for the future so that anyone who has been through a mental illness and is struggling can have an opportunity.

When I arrived at the gates the first day there was a sign: “Expect a Miracle.” At the time I was skeptical, yet this treatment center was supposed to be different. After getting into triage I was given a gift bag and a water bottle. The gift bag included some wonderful self care products. All of the nurses and staff immediately put me at ease. They let me know exactly what they were doing and allowed me time to answer questions and talk about why I was there.

After getting a wristband, I was taken back into a unit called Copper Sky. It had twenty patient rooms with their own bathroom. In the past I had shared two showers with 20 people. Juice, enhanced water, coffee, tea, milk, and milk substitutes were available throughout the day. At mealtimes, the dining staff brought out what tasted to me like homemade meals. Lasagna, steak, chicken, fresh vegetables, fruit, smoothies. I had never seen anywhere like this before. The start of my journey at Sierra Tucson gave me the hope for a different and challenging experience that I never had.

Always Hard

Treatment centers. I get to know the people around me in treatment. Most of my stays have at least been 20 days if not longer. I get to know the people that are there and often keep up with them through social media.

It is great to see when they graduate from college, master a skill, get a new pet. Have a baby. The list can go on for a long time. Sometime it can be motivating when I am having a hard time.

Today, the news that I learned was not so great. Someone that was a smart, funny, friendly, and creative individual lost her battle. It is hard to see this and to know the potential that she did not know that she had. We are all fighting a battle. I wish that mental illnesses could get more than one day for a walk or a quiet share. They are a daily struggle.

What’s Best?? **May Trigger**

A struggle. That seems like that is what life has been everyday. A struggle between the fine line of going into the hospital and staying out. The fine line of struggling with self-harm some days, well let’s be honest, most days.

My eating disorder is fighting to take over. My body just does not want food. I have chest pains and stomach aches. The numbers on the scale are supposed to be going up, yet they keep going down.

Then there is the issue of child support. I knew that court would be stressful. My ex has just added to it by telling the kids that I am taking him to court and that I do not want to pay him. I have been asked why am I putting dad through all of this. He continues to text me, wanting peoples’s names and other information.

Then there is school. Each day I have class is a struggle to get here and to go. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If I should just relent and go inpatient or at least to a day program. Parts of me are fighting each other over what answer is the right one.

I am not sure what path I am going to wind up on. Right now I feel scared of what I could do to myself if one more thing happens. I am going to call my doctor this morning and I need to face whatever is coming.

Wish me luck!!

Daily Reporting

Lately, I have been struggling with my eating disorder. My doctor has become pretty strict with me. I have to call every other day with my weight and how I am doing. It is not easy for me to feel so exposed.

School starts next week. A course is already up. This class has an online text that I am not sure how to download. I guess that I will figure it out or get someone to help me that works at the school.

My ex is his typical self. The kids are supposed to come this weekend. I am not sure about my oldest. He still does not talk to me. I am hoping that one day that will change. At least my younger two still talk to me and want to visit. I have to focus on my relationship with them.

This is one of the last days that I will not have anything to do for a while. I am scared of having to be around so many people on campus. It is going to be important for me to find somewhere that I can by myself if I need to get away from the noise. It is also important that I feel that I am safe.

For the rest of the day, I am going to enjoy reading both for school and for myself. I am going to make sure that I take care of me. That will allow me to be present for all of the other things that will be coming up.

Slipping **May Trigger**

Each day seems to be a new horror with my ex. Now, he has decided that him and his new wife will be the ones that go to my children’s graduations. None of the kids are graduating this year. I am so tired of being harassed and put down. The kids hear that I do not contribute, yet I pay my child support every month. They are told that I am crazy and a bad mom.

I thought that it was bad when my oldest stopped talking to me and coming to visit. Now, my daughter who wanted to spend the summer with me is no longer speaking to me. It is just a lot to take in. I cannot control what they are being told about me. 

Because of all of this, I have turned to dysfunctional eating habits and over exercising. Yesterday, I felt like I was going to pass out. My doctor noticed and is giving me a chance to get back on track. If I do not then I will have to go inpatient. That will derail all of my plans.

At least he gave me stages. I do not have to do everything at once. By the time school starts, my head should be a little clearer.

Right now there is that fine line in front of me. I know the right path. The path that will keep me healthy. The problem is that the other side has such a strong pull. It is where I feel the most control. Right now, I am taking one part of the day at a time and trying to keep the goals set for me. My first check in is tomorrow. Hopefully, I will have good news.

Bad Times

One of my kids cannot seem to decide between living with me or her dad at this point. I really need to see my psychiatrist and my therapist, although I do not know how much either one of them is going to help.

I am overeating and know that I should not be. I just do not seem to be able to stop right now. Hopefully, I can get to the gym tomorrow and start on some routine slowly. 

There was not a time to work on personal issues this past week or to work on my marriage. My child seems to be using my house as a refuge and I do not know what to do about that. 

To top it all off, I am supposed to start school in a month and I am not physically or mentally prepared. There does not seem to be enough time in the day to do anything. 

Never the Same **May Trigger**

I have been in eating disorder treatment three times. I dance for fun and have started to take yoga classes. As much therapy and support as I have it is often not enough.

My formal diagnosis: bulimia. As I really think about that, it is most likely part way true. I do binge and use over the counter meds after to get rid of what I ate.

I also find that I eat to much. Certain foods trigger the overeating to get worse. Fast food, sugar laden foods, and any kind of snack food. I really noticed this when I started looking back at my binges. The ones I did until I would feel sick and then keep eating and be up all night with stomach pain.

So, I have come to realize that I am drawn to food in the same way that I have seen addicts with drugs or alcohol. I cannot eat just one cookie or chip. There is a compulsion to eat more.

Recently, I have started to do something about it. My diet is changing. Processed sugars are in the past. Well, at least I am trying. It is a lot of research and label reading since sugar seems to be hidden in so many products. Then there is avoiding fast food. That also turns into its own problem. 

I guess that this wil be trial and error. I know that I will have slips along the way, yet I cannot continue with the way that I am going. Things need to change.

From the Outside

Funny. If someone did not know my diagnosis they may say that I look fine. They may say that about others that I know that are struggling with a mental illness, eating disorder, or other illness.

Look closer and maybe you will see the hints of my illness. The slight limp that I have because my knee is acting up. The way that I turn the menu over and over or cannot seem to decide on what I want to order. The way I move away from someone because I feel like they are to close to me. My phone in my hand just flipping through apps because I want to look busy and am scared for someone to talk to me.

The really bad days are the ones that most people never see. Staying in bed or on the couch all day. Debating what and how much to eat. Wanting to journal, yet being overwhelmed by all of the flashbacks. Being comforted by my husband and my cat. 

Going to school, dance, therapy, and doing other activities takes a lot out of me. Just because I am out and doing things does not mean that I am all better. It just means that I will not let these illnesses win. Those people who wanted to cut me down in the past cannot win. I need to fight and to try to go on. 

School is Over. Why Haven’t I Felt Better??

I knew my classes were stressing me out. Getting up, leaving the house, and interacting with others. All of this challenged my PTSD symptoms. I was forced to use coping skills. At least now I can say that I did it!

The semester is over and Ifeel more stressed then ever. Part of the reason is that things are going horrible with my ex. He wants more child support to begin with. That is stressing me out. What if the court does award him more support. I still have bills and expenses such as therapy and medication that I need to keep up with. Then there is the fact that he somehow wants me to pay for the kids field trips and activities. I already pay child support. That money is included in there.

Then his new wife got her feeling hurt over something that the kids told her. Never mind that the event never happened. She should have gone  through my ex, yet I was the one who got the texts on my phone.

It seems like he likes to start stuff. I should just ignore most of it and just not worry about it. I though of blocking her number from my phone, yet what if one of the kids gets hurt or injured. I want to know about it.

The eating disorder is at a high point right now. I am trying to do the right things, yet it is so hard not to give into impulses. I need to get that under control. Journaling and reality testing are a big thing right now.

Yes, school is over. Now I need to get some of the other stressors in my life to decrease. I need to work in that and make a plan.

A surprise #May Trigger#

My ex lives in ahuge house an hour away from me. There is a pool, a swing set, a trampoline, go carts, video games, and all of the other things that kids and teens love.

Last night, my daughter told me that she wanted to come and stay with me this summer. I was shocked that she said that. According to my ex, this will pass. She is only mad at him. I am not so sure about that.

My oldest still thinks about hurting himself. Over the past few times that my kids have stayed, I have noticed my daughter eating less and less. I brought it up to her the other night. She gave me all of the typical excuses. Then I said that it was not about the food, I wanted to know what was going on to make her so upset. She had a look of surprise on her face. She told me that she would talk to me the next time that she came over. 

All of this and I am struggling with thoughts of self-harm. My eating disorder is back and I am trying to use all of my skills. As this is going on, I do not have a psychiatrist until July. My therapist is trying, yet there is only so much that can go on in an hour.

Yesterday, I went to journal a little. I started out thinking that it would just be a couple of lines. It wound up being 6 pages. Then, last night, I saw a picture on someone’s media page from middle school. It brought back the constant days of being bullied by the other students and then going home to an unhealthy house.

It seems like the bullies and abusers can forget what they did. They go on with life and do not look back. On the other side, it is like yesterday for me. The flashbacks and body memories are there. Maybe my abusers really do not remember. Their actions did not hurt or impact them. They said the words or gave the beating and it was over. 

Sometimes, I wish that I could just forget, yet I cannot. Now, I have two kids who need me to be there for them as they go through their own struggles. At least I know that I can be there for them. At least I know they have someone to turn too. The worst thing is feeling alone and isolated.